#12: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

A few weeks ago, I made a mental note, "I have to write about this story in Week 12!"  So here it goes:

• The setting: A Dale Carnegie class (the graduation ceremony to boot!)
• The situation: When introducting a graduate, I incorrectly stated her organization's name
• My first response: I made an excuse for my error (*whammy noise here*)
• My next response: Principle #12 to the rescue!  I quickly had individual conversations with three people in the room who were a part of the organization I misnamed.  I genuinely apologized for my mistake to each of them and promised to do better in the future.
• The end result: The three individuals each insisted my statement wasn't a big deal, told me it was an easy mistake to make, etc. I felt better and I'm sure they felt better knowing that I cared enough to own up to my mistake.

In the future, I hope to eliminate my first response and move right into Principle #12.  No excuses! When focusing on Principle #12 this week, I noticed that I do have a tendency to preface my apologies with excuses.  To my husband, Alan, "I'm sorry I snapped at you but I was really tired..."  To a colleague, "I apologize for not sending you the webinar instructions but I sent them to IT..." In Dale Carnegie, we talk about how using the word "but" negates anything else that follows.  In other words, my apologies weren't really apologies at all (especially to the listeners' ears).

Going forward, I plan to work on eliminating excuses in my apologies.  I think it's idealistic to say that excuses will no longer cross my mind.  Rather, I am hoping to treat them like the silent letters that occur in the spelling of some words.  They may be there but they are not spoken.  No excuses. No justifications. No reasoning.  Just, "I am sorry."  Three of the most underused words in our language -- and probably three of the most valuable, too.

#11: Show respect for the other person's opinion. Never say "you're wrong."

I will start this week by making a confession to all of you. I said these words to my colleague, Katie, on Tuesday morning: "It's hard to be a good person."  Phew.  Amen to that, Marisa.

I said that after I found myself slapping my own wrist two times already that day.  Both slaps were in reference to comments I made about a particular situation at work.  And, no, they weren't respectful.  Lucky for me, the rest of my week (Wednesday-Sunday) consisted of a mini-vacation!  I took Tyler, my two-year old son, to see my parents in northwest Iowa.  There's nothing better for the soul (and an attempt to be a "good person") than time away from reality.  Let that be a lesson for all of us to use those vacation days!

Before I left on Wednesday, I had a conversation with a dear friend of mine.  She shared that she is having an extremely tough time at work right now because she is working for an organization that operates in a culture of fear.  In other words, they attempt to motivate people through fear.  Throughout that conversation, I could hear the exhaustion and sadness in her voice.  This is a person who is truly one of the sweetest, bravest, most optimistic people I know.

My friend's situation reminded me of how blessed I am to work for an organization that operates in a culture of respect and transparency.  I take the straightforward communication and regular praise for granted most days.  My friend's story gave me a wake-up call.  Organizations like Lutz & Company are still the exception, not the norm. I'm one of the lucky ones.

I admire my friend.  She is trying to change the culture of her organization using what she called "baby steps."  It will be a long process but imagine the number of lives she will improve with each stride she makes!  A quote I received in my inbox today seems fitting: Daniel Brooks said, "Character may be manifested in the great moments, but it is made in the small ones."  What are we doing with our small moments?  Are we creating a culture of respect in our professional and personal lives?

#10: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

I learned something this week.  The one thing more exhausting than arguing with a two-year old is trying not to argue with a two-year old!  My principle of the week aligned perfectly with my life.  You see, Alan and I started our five-week "Parenting with Love and Logic" class on Monday night.  The first lesson?  How to handle whining and arguing.  A core technique in Love & Logic parenting is to offer your child choices whenever possible.  In my case, "Tyler, do you want to go potty upstairs or downstairs?  Do you want to sit down or stand up?"  The choices help avoid arguments ("I don't want to go potty - CHANGE DIAPER!") because a child feels like they are in control.  They have a sense of power.  I would be lying to say this choice technique works all the time.  It was hit or miss but, then again, my test subject was a two-year old.  I would also be lying to say that this is easy.  It's exhausting!  Formulating choice after choice takes a lot of brain power.  In the end, I'm hoping it will be worth it because I am teaching my son to feel empowered and capable while also avoiding some unnecessary arguments.

Of course, I don't want to avoid arguments only with my two-year old.  I also want to "keep the peace" in other areas of my life.  For example, I walked into the office on Monday fully expecting to be hit with a barrage of arguments.  I'm a Drake Bulldog in an office full of Creighton Bluejays.  After Creighton's Missouri Valley Conference title win last weekend, I was expecting the worst.  Yet I knew that Principle #10 was the name of the game this week ("The  only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it, Marisa.  The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it, Marisa...").  So I decided beforehand that I would be gracious and complimentary.  When someone approached me about the game, I would tell them "congratulations" and "it's good news for Omaha."  The result?  Not one person approached me!  Maybe the "forces that be" protect  a person that takes the time to prepare a non-argumentative strategy.  More likely, my co-workers left me alone because it's the thick of tax season and they have no time for such frivoulous things!

Regardless, I learned something.  When possible, it's helpful to prepare for an "argument" by thinking through how you can respond in a non-argumentive manner (aka: how you can avoid the argument altogether).  In Dale Carnegie, we call this process "how to disagree agreeably."  I have found that when I respond in an agreeable way it keeps relationships intact while also giving me more confidence and clarity.  And who wouldn't like a little more confidence and clarity in life?!

#9: Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

Wow!  Principle #9 may be my favorite yet.  It ranks right up there with #2 (Give honest, sincere appreciation) because the Hallmark girl in me made another appearance this week!  Some of the highlights of putting Principle #9 into action these past few days:

• Telling one of Tyler's former teachers, Cassie, that he still talks about her.  She smiled from ear to ear at that news and responded, "Really?  That makes me feel good!"
• Hand delivering a green lifesaver to my colleague/friend, Katie.  She had mentioned that green was her favorite lifesaver the week before.  Her response, "It's the little things!"
• Posting a message on Facebook that complimented my dad on raising $6000 for children's cancer research -- and watching over 20 people "like" my dad's efforts.
• Last but not least, throwing a party for my mom this weekend.  She hasn't seen Tyler in two months (a record) since she broke her wrist.  We celebrated their reunion in style: balloons, cake, and all!

I realized something this week.  We have every reason to undertake Principle #9.  It's easy!  In this day and age, it's as simple as writing on people's Facebook walls or shooting them a quick e-mail.  Even better, it's as easy as looking friends and loved ones straight in the eye and telling them - or showing them - they matter.

Make someone feel important this week.  It will do wonders for his/her morale - and just watch what it does for your own.

Tyler showing off the cake he made for Grandma!