#19: Appeal to nobler motives.

Sometimes I think you can definitely tell by the wording of these principles that "How to Win Friends and Influence People" was written by Dale Carnegie in 1936!  When I hear "Appeal to nobler motives," I imagine a cowboy with a tall, white hat walking into the saloon... Of course, the white hat tells you that he's the good guy!

When listening to participants' group discussions in our Dale Carnegie session this week, I was reminded of how often people struggle with motivating others.  This week, we were talking about managing stress and several people mentioned the need to motivate others as a source of stress in their lives.  Luckily, they are about to start testing out principles such as #19.  I remember a  Kum & Go (convenience store) manager from a few classes ago sharing his story of how appealing to the nobler motives of his staff worked wonders.  They went from not doing their jobs to doing them quickly and spotlessly all because he took the time to say, "I know you're a hard worker and I know you'll do a good job."  Most people aspire to be seen as good at what they do - so these employees rose to the challenge (this is also a preview of Principle #21 in two weeks - "Throw down a challenge!").

In my own life, my husband and I use Principle 19 with our two-year old son, Tyler, on a daily basis.  "You're a big boy, right Tyler? So let's see you use the potty, let's see if you can eat this big bite of growing food, let's see if you can wash your hands by yourself..."  I can't say we've had the same success record as my Kum & Go friend but Principle #19 works enough for us to keep trying it toddler-style. After all, Tyler aspires to be a "big boy!"

How about you?  Have you appealed to someone's nobler motives lately?  Go ahead - give someone a white hat to wear and just watch how they surprise you.

#18: Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.

For the first thirty years of my life, "sympathy" was a word that I mostly associated with condolence cards.  That is, until I "met" Dale Carnegie.  I now know that sympathy is something we should offer to people on a daily basis - not just in the most dire of circumstances.  This week I saw two distinct instances of sympathy in my world:

• The first form of sympathy is one that I tried to offer at work this week.  On Thursday, our firm completed its upward evaluation process in which employees have the opportunity to evaluate management.  In those instances where I had constructive feedback for people, I made sure to follow its name and make the suggestions "constructive."  I put myself in the other's shoes.  For example, I know that I appreciate examples when someone offers me feedback so I made sure to include specific instances to help the evaluatees understand my thoughts.  I tried to be sympathetic to their ideas - what would best allow them the opportunity to use my feedback?
• The second form of sympathy I saw this week was by observing others.  I had the opportunity to attend the Berkshire Hathaway annual meeting with my dad.  In other words, I enjoyed the friendly banter of Warren and Charlie for a few hours on Saturday!  My dad told me as we walked in that this meeting is often called the "Woodstock" of shareholder meetings.  I was amazed at how candid these richer-than-rich men were with the people in the room.  They answered question after question from everyday people such as myself.  And they do this every year.  I see no better way to be "sympathetic" to others' ideas and desires than to know firsthand what those ideas and desires are for people.  Bravo, Warren Buffet.  You are a true Dale Carnegie graduate (and for the record, Warren did mention his Dale Carnegie certificate in the annual video this year.)!

When was the last time we were truly sympathetic toward someone in a way that didn't involve Hallmark?  Sympathy is more than just an emotion for greeting cards. It's something we should take to heart every day.

The Dale Carnegie certificate that hangs on the wall in Warren Buffet's office!

#17: Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.

I had the joy of spending three days back on Drake University's campus this week.  Those of you who know me well (and even not-so-well) are aware that one of my greatest passions in life is my alma mater.  As I celebrated my 10-year reunion at Drake, I reflected back on everything the University has done for me.

When I think of Principle 17, I think of my Drake experience.  I came to Drake as a young woman who had lived her entire life in small town Iowa (for the record, an upbringing I loved!).  When I stepped foot on campus, I left behind a world of familiarity and comfort and I entered a world much bigger than I knew existed.  I took classes covering Judaism and Islam, as well as the rhetoric of presidential politics and race.  My eyes were opened.  Although I didn't agree with everything I saw and heard (that's what makes the world go round), I did learn to see things from another's point of view.  This is a trait that has served me well over the past decade.  Exhibit A: I am one of the few non-accountants working in an accounting firm.  My brain works a little differently than most of my colleagues but I have come to respect and admire the way they think even if it "throws me for a loop" sometimes.

When I was on campus this weekend, I was reminded of one person who lives this principle to the fullest: a role model to many including myself, Dr. Don "Bulldog" Adams.  I had my first real conversation with Dr. Adams a few years ago.  I remember telling my husband afterwards that Dr. Adams has the unique ability to make you feel like you are the only person in the room when he is talking to you.  Yet, I have hard person after person list Dr. Adams as the most influential person in their lives so it's obvious he makes everyone feel that way.  What a gift!

We've all heard the expression that we should "walk a mile in their shoes" but it's often easier said than done.  I owe a lot to Drake for teaching me how to strive for Principle 17 (which was, by the way, Dale Carnegie's favorite principle).  My passion for Drake was renewed this weekend.  Even more so, my passion for the lessons I learned while on campus were renewed.  Tolerance.  Open-mindedness.  Dialogue.  Perspective.  Sometimes I wonder if Dale Carnegie was a Drake Bulldog! 

#16: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

I will start this week with a confession.  There was little room for experimentation at work this week.  The first two days of the week were the final days of tax season at an accounting firm.  The final three days of the work week were the mass exodus of all my colleagues taking much-deserved vacations after tax season!

Still, I have been giving Principle #16 a lot of thought this week.  Specifically, I've been considering its value when preparing to kick-off another Dale Carnegie course next week.  "Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers."  I think this principle is extremely important in life but especially so in teaching situations.  People believe what they create.

Two examples of this idea in the training/teaching world come to mind.  First, I think one of the most effective training techniques I have seen starts with a good ol' flip chart (that's right, pen to the paper, folks!!).  The facilitator simply asks participants what they hope to get out of the session and then records their answers.  The key is that this flip chart exercise is not forgotten.  Rather, the trainer refers to it throughout the course and especially when wrapping up at the end.  In this way, participants have created what the course will bring to them and feel a sense of satisfaction when they see the results match up with their wishes.

On the opposite end of the training spectrum, Principle #16 makes me think of the (over)use of Power Point in training and teaching these days.  Don't get me wrong, there can be value in Power Point.  However, I think the value is often overshadowed by the danger because Power Point has the ability to stifle creativity.  It allows trainers/teachers to decide the course of a session before any participant even steps foot in the room.  There is little "wiggle room" when Power Point is involved.  There is no way that people will feel the ideas are theirs if they were pasted on the wall from the get-go.

As I walk into our first Dale Carnegie session on Tuesday night, I plan to keep Principle 16 in mind.  What would Dale do?  If people feel they have a hand in shaping the course, they are much more likely to enjoy both the end result and the journey they took to get there.

#15: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

Does anyone else notice a pattern in these principles so far?  We've heard "become genuinely interested in other people," "be a good listener," "talk in terms of the other person's interests" and now..."let the other person do a great deal of the talking."  Is it just or me or does Dale Carnegie have something against people like myself?  You know, the person with multiple degrees in communication and a background in teaching and advising?!  Sometimes I feel like this experiment is a broken record stuck on a song with a chorus of "be quiet."

Then again, those are words I usually need to hear.  And hear again.  And again.

I mention my two-year old son, Tyler, in most of my posts.  I try not to focus entirely on him but this week is an exception.  I noticed something about my interactions with Tyler this week -- my other relationships in life could benefit from a little bit of my "Mommy side."  You see, Tyler is at the age where his talking light switch has been turned to the "on" position.  He often rattles off stories and requests at a mile a minute (Hmmm... wonder where he gets that trait from?).  It's often impossible to understand Tyler and that can be really frustrating for him.  So here's what I have been doing lately:

• I kneel down right in front of Tyler's face and look into his eyes
• I ask him to repeat his thought more clearly and slowly
• Once I understand, I repeat his statement so he knows I get it
• I give Tyler a high five -- communication accomplished!

This week I have been wondering: why don't I use a toned-down version of this technique with more people in my life?  I need to stop what I'm doing and focus completely on the other person.  I need to show them that I understand where they are coming from and I need to appreciate them when it's all said and done!

We could all learn a lot from a two year old.  I know I do.  And I know even Dale Carnegie would, too.

Tyler: my biggest lesson in how to live these principles

#14: Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.

We are now well into the group of principles that Dale Carnegie associated with "gaining cooperation" (#10-#21).  This week I experienced both the highs and lows of Principle #14.  On the down side, I participated in seven hours of webinar training this week for a new system we are implementing at the office.  Bright and early on Monday morning, the fun began with a four-hour session online!  The training was tough at times because the trainer chose to cover every single feature of the system whether we plan to use it or not.  In other words, we were not saying, "Yes, yes" and frustration, rather than cooperation, often resulted.

This experience early in the week solidified Carnegie's recommendation for me and I took it to heart.  When I approached a partner at our firm this week about the benefits of the Dale Carnegie course I participated in last week, I focused on what would most interest him ("Yes, yes!").  I realized that he would be interested in how to answer tough questions since he often faces these with clients and colleagues.  So I focused on the "Responding to Pressure Situations" portion of the training.  I also know that this partner has a desire to feel more comfortable speaking in front of others.  As a result, I focused on the easy-to-use presentation formats the class taught, as well as the individualized coaching.  The result?  The partner thought this course sounded, "AWESOME!"

As with all of these principles, #14 isn't 100% foolproof. Life with Tyler, my two-year old, is a good example of this fact.  I often try asking lots of questions that I know will receive an enthusiastic "yes" before I pose a tougher question (aka: a harder sell).  Tyler's answer to the tough question is almost always still an emphatic "NO!" 

There will always be "no's."  That's life.  But wouldn't it be great if we heard "yes" more often?  The answer starts with us!

 

#13: Begin in a friendly way.

My two-year old son, Tyler, is a poster child for Principle 13.  He says a big, friendly "HI!" to everyone who walks by our house lately (he even shouts his greeting through the kitchen window if he isn't outside at the time). 

I like to think that Tyler's friendliness is something he gets from his "Midwest friendly" parents.  This week's principle would normally come pretty easily for me but as fate would have it... life is rarely easy!  You see, I had the pleasure of being a participant in Dale Carnegie's High Impact Presentations course on Thursday and Friday this week. 

We gave our first presentation on Thursday morning and we were told to "give it our best."  The person I saw in the review room (all our presentations were taped) was just like my fellow participants described.  She was super "smiley" and "happy."  She was definitely beginning in a friendly way!  In fact, she was a little too friendly to be entirely persuasive and convincing as a presenter.

So the twist of fate?  I spent the next two days working on being more "stern." At one point, I actually channeled Colonel Jessup in A Few Good Men: "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"  By the seventh presentation I gave, I saw a woman who was not only friendly but also more professional and credible.  I think she is someone people will still find likeable yet respect even more.

It's important to be friendly but in life there's a time for pure friendliness and a time to dial up the professionalism.  Don't worry friends, I plan to continue to be friendly.  After all, that's me and I have a little boy who needs a role model!  Going forward, the challenge for me will be striking the right balance in situations where my credibility is on the line.  What about you?  Have you checked your "balance" lately?



"Hi man!"