#21: Throw down a challenge

I must start by saying that my husband, Alan, is the king of Principle 21.  He is constantly throwing down the challenge to Tyler, our two-year old son.  It usually involves some sort of competition.  "Tyler, I'll race you to the potty!" Or "Tyler, I bet I can eat a bigger bite of this orange than you." And the list goes on.  I wish you all could see the results in person.  It usually consists of a two-year old blur running across our house.  The proof is in the pudding, my friends!

Recently, I decided to put this principle to work (literally).  I have a great group of colleagues who help me plan our firm's audit training calendar each year.  This spring we decided that the best way to choose necessary topics was to go straight to the source and ask people what they wanted/needed.  The only problem was when we've asked for input in the past the results have been slim to none.  I added a simple line to the end of my e-mail message this time: "We are challenging you to send us ideas and we look forward to seeing the results!"

The results were a half dozen substantive, extremely helpful responses.  Quite the improvement from zero!  And now we have a full audit training calendar to show for it.

So whether it's with your children or your coworkers, throw down the challenge.  And watch the results come running in!

#20: Dramatize your ideas

As someone who is self-proclaimed "cheesy," Principle #20 was pretty much made for people like me.  Anyone who knows me will attest to this fact!  What you might not know is that Principle 20 is also made for you!

We live in a world of drama now.  Look no further than the evening news.  For example, we no longer have Channel 3 News in Omaha - we have "ACTION 3 News!"  Sometimes it's enough to make me turn off the TV.  I think our world shows us that there's a time and place for Principle 20.  Let me share a couple successful uses that I've witnessed lately.

A few weeks ago, the firm where I work had its annual karaoke concert.  Every new employee at the firm is required to sing a song that has been chosen by their colleagues.  Most people (me included) just try to survive.  This year was a little different thanks to a couple employees who took Principle 20 to the extreme.  They completely dramatized their songs from re-writing the lyrics to suit them perfectly to hiring a soprano sax player to belt out the interlude.  It was AMAZING - and people are talking about their performances to this day.  There was no just getting by for these two -- they dramatized their ideas and won over their audience as a result!

On a personal note, I was giving Tyler, my two-year old son, underdogs in his swing this weekend.  He said he wanted "a big one."  I stretched my arms as wide as they can go and replied, "Do you want a GIANT one, Tyler?"  Tyler's face lit up and he kept repeating "GIANT" with his arms stretched wide.  Just living proof that this dramatization stuff works!  Tyler added a new word to his vocabulary and he obviously believed what I was proclaiming with all his heart!

I would be lying to say that I don't use Principle 20 every day. It's part of being a cheeseball... and a mom. But this week reminded me that Principle 20, used in moderation, can work wonders on many audiences. Have you added a little drama to your life lately?

A GIANT Underdog!

#19: Appeal to nobler motives.

Sometimes I think you can definitely tell by the wording of these principles that "How to Win Friends and Influence People" was written by Dale Carnegie in 1936!  When I hear "Appeal to nobler motives," I imagine a cowboy with a tall, white hat walking into the saloon... Of course, the white hat tells you that he's the good guy!

When listening to participants' group discussions in our Dale Carnegie session this week, I was reminded of how often people struggle with motivating others.  This week, we were talking about managing stress and several people mentioned the need to motivate others as a source of stress in their lives.  Luckily, they are about to start testing out principles such as #19.  I remember a  Kum & Go (convenience store) manager from a few classes ago sharing his story of how appealing to the nobler motives of his staff worked wonders.  They went from not doing their jobs to doing them quickly and spotlessly all because he took the time to say, "I know you're a hard worker and I know you'll do a good job."  Most people aspire to be seen as good at what they do - so these employees rose to the challenge (this is also a preview of Principle #21 in two weeks - "Throw down a challenge!").

In my own life, my husband and I use Principle 19 with our two-year old son, Tyler, on a daily basis.  "You're a big boy, right Tyler? So let's see you use the potty, let's see if you can eat this big bite of growing food, let's see if you can wash your hands by yourself..."  I can't say we've had the same success record as my Kum & Go friend but Principle #19 works enough for us to keep trying it toddler-style. After all, Tyler aspires to be a "big boy!"

How about you?  Have you appealed to someone's nobler motives lately?  Go ahead - give someone a white hat to wear and just watch how they surprise you.

#18: Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.

For the first thirty years of my life, "sympathy" was a word that I mostly associated with condolence cards.  That is, until I "met" Dale Carnegie.  I now know that sympathy is something we should offer to people on a daily basis - not just in the most dire of circumstances.  This week I saw two distinct instances of sympathy in my world:

• The first form of sympathy is one that I tried to offer at work this week.  On Thursday, our firm completed its upward evaluation process in which employees have the opportunity to evaluate management.  In those instances where I had constructive feedback for people, I made sure to follow its name and make the suggestions "constructive."  I put myself in the other's shoes.  For example, I know that I appreciate examples when someone offers me feedback so I made sure to include specific instances to help the evaluatees understand my thoughts.  I tried to be sympathetic to their ideas - what would best allow them the opportunity to use my feedback?
• The second form of sympathy I saw this week was by observing others.  I had the opportunity to attend the Berkshire Hathaway annual meeting with my dad.  In other words, I enjoyed the friendly banter of Warren and Charlie for a few hours on Saturday!  My dad told me as we walked in that this meeting is often called the "Woodstock" of shareholder meetings.  I was amazed at how candid these richer-than-rich men were with the people in the room.  They answered question after question from everyday people such as myself.  And they do this every year.  I see no better way to be "sympathetic" to others' ideas and desires than to know firsthand what those ideas and desires are for people.  Bravo, Warren Buffet.  You are a true Dale Carnegie graduate (and for the record, Warren did mention his Dale Carnegie certificate in the annual video this year.)!

When was the last time we were truly sympathetic toward someone in a way that didn't involve Hallmark?  Sympathy is more than just an emotion for greeting cards. It's something we should take to heart every day.

The Dale Carnegie certificate that hangs on the wall in Warren Buffet's office!

#17: Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.

I had the joy of spending three days back on Drake University's campus this week.  Those of you who know me well (and even not-so-well) are aware that one of my greatest passions in life is my alma mater.  As I celebrated my 10-year reunion at Drake, I reflected back on everything the University has done for me.

When I think of Principle 17, I think of my Drake experience.  I came to Drake as a young woman who had lived her entire life in small town Iowa (for the record, an upbringing I loved!).  When I stepped foot on campus, I left behind a world of familiarity and comfort and I entered a world much bigger than I knew existed.  I took classes covering Judaism and Islam, as well as the rhetoric of presidential politics and race.  My eyes were opened.  Although I didn't agree with everything I saw and heard (that's what makes the world go round), I did learn to see things from another's point of view.  This is a trait that has served me well over the past decade.  Exhibit A: I am one of the few non-accountants working in an accounting firm.  My brain works a little differently than most of my colleagues but I have come to respect and admire the way they think even if it "throws me for a loop" sometimes.

When I was on campus this weekend, I was reminded of one person who lives this principle to the fullest: a role model to many including myself, Dr. Don "Bulldog" Adams.  I had my first real conversation with Dr. Adams a few years ago.  I remember telling my husband afterwards that Dr. Adams has the unique ability to make you feel like you are the only person in the room when he is talking to you.  Yet, I have hard person after person list Dr. Adams as the most influential person in their lives so it's obvious he makes everyone feel that way.  What a gift!

We've all heard the expression that we should "walk a mile in their shoes" but it's often easier said than done.  I owe a lot to Drake for teaching me how to strive for Principle 17 (which was, by the way, Dale Carnegie's favorite principle).  My passion for Drake was renewed this weekend.  Even more so, my passion for the lessons I learned while on campus were renewed.  Tolerance.  Open-mindedness.  Dialogue.  Perspective.  Sometimes I wonder if Dale Carnegie was a Drake Bulldog! 

#16: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

I will start this week with a confession.  There was little room for experimentation at work this week.  The first two days of the week were the final days of tax season at an accounting firm.  The final three days of the work week were the mass exodus of all my colleagues taking much-deserved vacations after tax season!

Still, I have been giving Principle #16 a lot of thought this week.  Specifically, I've been considering its value when preparing to kick-off another Dale Carnegie course next week.  "Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers."  I think this principle is extremely important in life but especially so in teaching situations.  People believe what they create.

Two examples of this idea in the training/teaching world come to mind.  First, I think one of the most effective training techniques I have seen starts with a good ol' flip chart (that's right, pen to the paper, folks!!).  The facilitator simply asks participants what they hope to get out of the session and then records their answers.  The key is that this flip chart exercise is not forgotten.  Rather, the trainer refers to it throughout the course and especially when wrapping up at the end.  In this way, participants have created what the course will bring to them and feel a sense of satisfaction when they see the results match up with their wishes.

On the opposite end of the training spectrum, Principle #16 makes me think of the (over)use of Power Point in training and teaching these days.  Don't get me wrong, there can be value in Power Point.  However, I think the value is often overshadowed by the danger because Power Point has the ability to stifle creativity.  It allows trainers/teachers to decide the course of a session before any participant even steps foot in the room.  There is little "wiggle room" when Power Point is involved.  There is no way that people will feel the ideas are theirs if they were pasted on the wall from the get-go.

As I walk into our first Dale Carnegie session on Tuesday night, I plan to keep Principle 16 in mind.  What would Dale do?  If people feel they have a hand in shaping the course, they are much more likely to enjoy both the end result and the journey they took to get there.

#15: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

Does anyone else notice a pattern in these principles so far?  We've heard "become genuinely interested in other people," "be a good listener," "talk in terms of the other person's interests" and now..."let the other person do a great deal of the talking."  Is it just or me or does Dale Carnegie have something against people like myself?  You know, the person with multiple degrees in communication and a background in teaching and advising?!  Sometimes I feel like this experiment is a broken record stuck on a song with a chorus of "be quiet."

Then again, those are words I usually need to hear.  And hear again.  And again.

I mention my two-year old son, Tyler, in most of my posts.  I try not to focus entirely on him but this week is an exception.  I noticed something about my interactions with Tyler this week -- my other relationships in life could benefit from a little bit of my "Mommy side."  You see, Tyler is at the age where his talking light switch has been turned to the "on" position.  He often rattles off stories and requests at a mile a minute (Hmmm... wonder where he gets that trait from?).  It's often impossible to understand Tyler and that can be really frustrating for him.  So here's what I have been doing lately:

• I kneel down right in front of Tyler's face and look into his eyes
• I ask him to repeat his thought more clearly and slowly
• Once I understand, I repeat his statement so he knows I get it
• I give Tyler a high five -- communication accomplished!

This week I have been wondering: why don't I use a toned-down version of this technique with more people in my life?  I need to stop what I'm doing and focus completely on the other person.  I need to show them that I understand where they are coming from and I need to appreciate them when it's all said and done!

We could all learn a lot from a two year old.  I know I do.  And I know even Dale Carnegie would, too.

Tyler: my biggest lesson in how to live these principles