Don't Try to Saw Sawdust (and a temporary good-bye)

One of my Dale Carnegie mentors checked in with me this week.  In my response to him, I mentioned how I've been worrying about Tyler's transition to being a big brother.  Then it hit me... this "how to stop worrying and start living" stuff will always be a work in progress for me!  It's not really about stopping worry - it's more about managing it.  Or, at least, it is for me.  And this week is yet another principle that could serve me well.

We've heard all the cliches: don't cry over spilt milk, what's done is done, c'est la vie... Dale Carnegie says, "Let the past bury its dead. Don't try to saw sawdust."  This is tough for me because I am the classic over-analyzer.  I think about a decision long after it has been made.  "Maybe I should have done this" or "Maybe I should have done that."  Life is too short!  As Eleanor Roosevelt said,

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.

And speaking of gifts, it is time for me to take a break from this blog as I anticipate the arrival of Baby Gift in the coming days.  Please know that I will be practicing these stress and worry principles more than ever in the next few months - I just won't be formally documenting them here.  It is time for me to practice what I preach (or, in my case, teach).  One of the principles yet to come is "Rest before you get tired."  That is what I intend to do by taking a break from writing.  This blog is a source of joy for me and I want to keep it that way!  I will be focusing on my expanded family for awhile now and I plan to return to you more committed than ever.  So stay tuned, my friends!

For now, this is the Gift List signing off...

Put a "Stop-Loss" Order On Your Worries

May I start by saying that I'm really good at giving something more anxiety than it deserves. That's a definite talent of mine!  Dale Carnegie said, "Put a 'stop-loss' order on your worries. Decide just how much anxiety a thing may be worth - and refuse to give it anymore." I often find myself looking back on a situation and realizing that very little of what I worried about actually happened.  What a waste of energy that I could have used elsewhere! This phenomenon especially happens in the parenting side of my life...

Elizabeth Stone once said, "Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."  Tyler recently transitioned from the toddler room to the preschool room at his school.  I lost some sleep in the days leading up to this transition.  Tyler would be leaving behind familiar friends and teachers.  There would be new classmates, new teachers and a new schedule for Tyler.  How would he handle it?  Would he cry when we dropped him off?  Would he be exhausted when we picked him up?  Etc., etc.

One month later and it turns out that Tyler was absolutely fine; 99% of my worries were unfounded.  This experience reinforced a couple valuable lessons. 1) Children are more resilient than we give them credit for and 2) this mama worries too much!

As I prepare to enter Round 2 of parenthood (all while continuing Round 1), I plan to work on putting a stop-loss on my worries.  If successful, I know following this principle will help me enjoy parenthood - and therefore life - a little more.

Cooperate with the Inevitable

This week at work held a jam-packed schedule of "office visits."  In other words, we had several college students visiting our firm for second interviews.  Before the students can enjoy their visits, one big scheduling puzzle has to happen behind the scenes.  My co-worker and I spent hours personalizing each person's schedule and accomodating their individual requests.  Then, we had at least three people change their minds regarding what would work best for their schedules and we had another two "back out" due to accepting offers elsewhere.  Cooperate with the inevitable, Marisa.  You certainly cannot control the minds and behaviors of twenty-two year olds!

On the homefront, Friday morning brought Week 6 of Tyler's tumbling class at the Y. Week after week, I have taken Tyler to this class where he does not participate until the last minute and seems to enjoy himself very little.  When we arrived at the tumbling room this week, Tyler bolted out the door and down the steps of the Y.  Marisa, cooperate with the inevitable.  Tyler doesn't seem to like tumbling class - why do you care?  You know what?  I don't care!  I asked Tyler if he would like to leave and he said "yes."  So we headed to story time at the library instead and had a great time listening to stories and coloring pictures.

Dale Carnegie quotes Mother Goose:
For every ailment under the sun,
There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it;
If there be none, never mind it.

Take a deep breath.  We can't control everything... and that's ok.  That's life!

Don't Let the Beetles Get You Down

Dale Carnegie shares the story of Robert Moore who looked death straight in the face when serving on a submarine during World War II.  While being attacked for 15 hours, Moore's life flashed before his eyes and he remembered all the trivial worries he experienced over the years. As Moore said, "We often face the major disasters of life bravely - and then let the trifles, the 'pains in the neck,' get us down."  If we were to use a modern-day cliche to summarize this week's principle it would definitely be "Don't sweat the small stuff."

I was blessed to marry into a family that seems to have mastered this principle.  The Gifts (all of them!) are living, breathing examples of this lesson.  Case in point: we celebrated Tyler's 3rd birthday this weekend and my mother-in-law, Marilyn, made Tyler another beautiful cake.  The cake met all of Tyler's specifications:  a train, steam, the letter "T" and the number "3."  Unfortunately, the cake was not a fan of the car trip from Des Moines.  The "beetles" of many bumps in the road got it down a little.  Marilyn, although disappointed, went right to work when she arrived at our house!  With a little bit of water and a lot of patience, she resurrected Tyler's cake to its original glory!  She didn't miss a beat and Tyler's grin says it all!

I've learned a lot from the Gifts these past five years and I know I will learn many lessons to come.  Let us all find those people in our lives who help us be better versions of ourselves.  In my case, the Gift family reminds me of Dale Carnegie's words, "Let's not allow ourselves to be upset by small things we should despise and forget.  Remember 'Life is too short to be little.'"  Instead, be a Gift!  :)

How to Analyze and Solve Worry Problems

This week I found myself creating a trusty ol' pro-con list to weigh a decision facing our family.  I've always been a fan of these lists when difficult choices come my way and I have a feeling people have been using this method of analyzing their worries for a long, long time.  In fact, this week's worry principle from Dale Carnegie is just another version of the pro-con list in my eyes.  An oldie, but a goodie!
1. Get the facts
2. Analyze the facts
3. Arrive at a decision - and then act on that decision

Alan and I used this method to solve a toddler issue this week, too.  Tyler's bedtime has gotten progressively later over the summer and he has become an expert in stall tactics since moving into his "big boy bed" one month ago.  I finally reached my wit's end on Tuesday night so Alan and I sat down and created a bedtime schedule for Tyler once he was asleep. 
1. We gathered the facts: what needs to be done (bath, snack, teeth brushing, books, prayers, etc) and what is the ideal bedtime for Tyler (8:30)?
2. We analyzed the facts: how long does each of these activities take and how much "wiggle room" do we need for the inevitable diversions?
3. We arrived at a decision: the schedule is on paper!
4. We acted on that decision: We put the schedule into action the next night!

I am happy to report that Tyler has been in bed by 8:40 (much better than 9:00-9:30) for the past four nights since we initiated the new schedule.  This bedtime routine still isn't perfect but it's a huge improvement - and that's what these principles, and life, are all about!

The Price of Worry

We've all heard the numbers... Half of Americans report lying awake at night due to stress.  An estimated 15 tons of aspirin are consumed every day – that’s nearly a half million of those little bottles EVERY DAY. And workplace stress costs more than $300 billion each year in health care, missed work & stress reduction.

Dale Carnegie says that you must "Remind yourself of the exorbitant price you can pay for worry in terms of your health.  'Those who do not know how to fight worry die young.'"

At 2:30 AM on Wednesday, I was awoken by Tyler, my almost three-year-old son.  He came bounding into our room, awake as can be!  After trying everything to get him to stay in bed, my husband graciously offered to sleep on the floor next to his bed.  As my boys fell back to sleep, I began to worry. Thoughts floated through my head: "Why did Tyler wake up?  Is his cold getting worse again?  Is he getting that stomach bug that is going around at daycare?  What's wrong?" 
Then, I remembered this week's worry principle and did my best to calm the voices in my head.  Marisa, remember the price of worry.  I soon joined Tyler and Alan in the wonderful world of sleepiness.

To paraphrase someone wise and humorous, "Our worrying obviously works because nine out of ten things that we worry about never happen!"  Join me this week in an endeavor to switch the worry button to the "off" position!  Let's be in the half of Americans that DO sleep!

The goal: let's all sleep soundly like Tyler this week!

A Magic Formula for Solving Worry Situations!

I learned this "magic formula" for solving worry situations when I took my first Dale Carnegie course over a year ago and I decided it was worth a shot right then and there!  One persistent worry that creeps into my mind is the possibility of my husband, Alan, being denied tenure at his university position.  This is an extremely pesky worry because there is nothing I can do to control the outcome of this situation (I'm not Alan and I'm most certainly not an university administrator!).  So here's how I put the magic formula into action:  

1. Ask myself, "What is the worst that can possibly happen if I can't solve my problem?"
  In this case, the worst that could happen is that Alan is denied tenure and loses his job the following year at the University. 

2. Prepare myself mentally to accept the worst--if necessary.
 Deep breath and try to accept. 

3. Then calmly try to improve upon the worst--which I have already mentally agreed to accept.
To improve upon this worst-case scenario, Alan and I had a great discussion about possible alternatives should this happen. We discussed the possibility of him finding a different position in Omaha or even moving to a smaller town to raise our family.

I walked away feeling much calmer because I knew now that this possibility would not be the end of the world.  In fact, the "worst that could happen" didn't seem so bad after all!

One more example from just this past week... I've started to worry about the possibility of having our baby early and, therefore, not completing everything on my to-do list at work and home! (Major problem for a Type A checklist person like myself!).  In this case, having the baby early is my worry so I mentally accepted that this could happen.  What can I do to ease the worry a little?  I documented the duties that will need to happen during my absence and forwarded the link to my boss.  This felt like a weight off my shoulders but hopefully she doesn't need this "magic formula" now!

I think Dale Carnegie called this "magic" because of its simplicity.  This isn't pulling rabbits out of hats or sawing people in half.  This is something we can all do each and every day to calm our lives a little.  Try it for yourself this week and watch (POOF!) the magic that results!