How to Analyze and Solve Worry Problems

This week I found myself creating a trusty ol' pro-con list to weigh a decision facing our family.  I've always been a fan of these lists when difficult choices come my way and I have a feeling people have been using this method of analyzing their worries for a long, long time.  In fact, this week's worry principle from Dale Carnegie is just another version of the pro-con list in my eyes.  An oldie, but a goodie!
1. Get the facts
2. Analyze the facts
3. Arrive at a decision - and then act on that decision

Alan and I used this method to solve a toddler issue this week, too.  Tyler's bedtime has gotten progressively later over the summer and he has become an expert in stall tactics since moving into his "big boy bed" one month ago.  I finally reached my wit's end on Tuesday night so Alan and I sat down and created a bedtime schedule for Tyler once he was asleep. 
1. We gathered the facts: what needs to be done (bath, snack, teeth brushing, books, prayers, etc) and what is the ideal bedtime for Tyler (8:30)?
2. We analyzed the facts: how long does each of these activities take and how much "wiggle room" do we need for the inevitable diversions?
3. We arrived at a decision: the schedule is on paper!
4. We acted on that decision: We put the schedule into action the next night!

I am happy to report that Tyler has been in bed by 8:40 (much better than 9:00-9:30) for the past four nights since we initiated the new schedule.  This bedtime routine still isn't perfect but it's a huge improvement - and that's what these principles, and life, are all about!

The Price of Worry

We've all heard the numbers... Half of Americans report lying awake at night due to stress.  An estimated 15 tons of aspirin are consumed every day – that’s nearly a half million of those little bottles EVERY DAY. And workplace stress costs more than $300 billion each year in health care, missed work & stress reduction.

Dale Carnegie says that you must "Remind yourself of the exorbitant price you can pay for worry in terms of your health.  'Those who do not know how to fight worry die young.'"

At 2:30 AM on Wednesday, I was awoken by Tyler, my almost three-year-old son.  He came bounding into our room, awake as can be!  After trying everything to get him to stay in bed, my husband graciously offered to sleep on the floor next to his bed.  As my boys fell back to sleep, I began to worry. Thoughts floated through my head: "Why did Tyler wake up?  Is his cold getting worse again?  Is he getting that stomach bug that is going around at daycare?  What's wrong?" 
Then, I remembered this week's worry principle and did my best to calm the voices in my head.  Marisa, remember the price of worry.  I soon joined Tyler and Alan in the wonderful world of sleepiness.

To paraphrase someone wise and humorous, "Our worrying obviously works because nine out of ten things that we worry about never happen!"  Join me this week in an endeavor to switch the worry button to the "off" position!  Let's be in the half of Americans that DO sleep!

The goal: let's all sleep soundly like Tyler this week!

A Magic Formula for Solving Worry Situations!

I learned this "magic formula" for solving worry situations when I took my first Dale Carnegie course over a year ago and I decided it was worth a shot right then and there!  One persistent worry that creeps into my mind is the possibility of my husband, Alan, being denied tenure at his university position.  This is an extremely pesky worry because there is nothing I can do to control the outcome of this situation (I'm not Alan and I'm most certainly not an university administrator!).  So here's how I put the magic formula into action:  

1. Ask myself, "What is the worst that can possibly happen if I can't solve my problem?"
  In this case, the worst that could happen is that Alan is denied tenure and loses his job the following year at the University. 

2. Prepare myself mentally to accept the worst--if necessary.
 Deep breath and try to accept. 

3. Then calmly try to improve upon the worst--which I have already mentally agreed to accept.
To improve upon this worst-case scenario, Alan and I had a great discussion about possible alternatives should this happen. We discussed the possibility of him finding a different position in Omaha or even moving to a smaller town to raise our family.

I walked away feeling much calmer because I knew now that this possibility would not be the end of the world.  In fact, the "worst that could happen" didn't seem so bad after all!

One more example from just this past week... I've started to worry about the possibility of having our baby early and, therefore, not completing everything on my to-do list at work and home! (Major problem for a Type A checklist person like myself!).  In this case, having the baby early is my worry so I mentally accepted that this could happen.  What can I do to ease the worry a little?  I documented the duties that will need to happen during my absence and forwarded the link to my boss.  This felt like a weight off my shoulders but hopefully she doesn't need this "magic formula" now!

I think Dale Carnegie called this "magic" because of its simplicity.  This isn't pulling rabbits out of hats or sawing people in half.  This is something we can all do each and every day to calm our lives a little.  Try it for yourself this week and watch (POOF!) the magic that results!

Live in Day-tight Compartments

On Saturday, I was lucky enough to be a part of a fantastic Dale Carnegie "refresher" training.  Our fearless leader, Ercell Charles, gave us all a better understanding of what these principles can mean to our lives.  As my fellow trainer, Laurie, said, "principles are our friends."  They keep us accountable to the values we hold dear.  Ercell also explained that while the "How to Win Friends" principles are for building relationships with others, the "How to Stop Worrying" principles allow us to turn the focus to ourselves.  When we learn to manage our stress and worry, we will finally be ready to build the relationships we so desire.  And so, for the next 30 weeks we will stop worrying and start living!

I am the first to admit that "living in day-tight compartments" is not my strong suit. Don't get me wrong, I talk a good talk about the importance of living "one day at a time" but many times my walk doesn't quite keep up. My Type A personality prefers to be planned and prepared.  Lets face it, there's a reason I landed a job with the word "Coordinator" in the title!

On the other hand, I know that this principle could have a significant influence on my life if fully embraced.  And so I try, try again.  One way that I have been attempting to live this principle for the past six months is by keeping a "one sentence happiness journal."  This journal, courtesy of Gretchen Rubin's "Happiness Project," is a daily reminder to find the good in each day.  Every night before I climb into bed, I write a few sentences about a moment that brought me joy during that day.  I don't think about yesterday.  I don't think about tomorrow.  I only focus on today. 

The challenge going forward is carrying that mentality from the moment I wake up until the time I shut out the lights.  As Charles Schulz said, "Life is like an ice-cream cone, you have to lick it one day at a time." 

Looking Back at 30 Principles in 30 Weeks

I would like to reflect on the past 30 weeks before embarking on the next set of 30 principles from "How to Stop Worrying & Start Living" next week.  As I think about the themes that have emerged from my experiment these past seven months, one major trend comes to mind: "Be Nice."  It's as simple as that.  Whether it's offering praise, apologizing quickly, or just smiling -- the principles from "How to Win Friends & Influence People" are all about being nice to one another.

This weekend I enjoyed celebrating my dear friend, Jesse's, wedding to her soulmate, Mosa.  Their beautiful ceremony included childhood stories from their parents. Jesse's mom and dad recounted how her fourth grade teacher asked the students to share something they liked about one of their classmates. In the teacher's 30 years of teaching, Jesse was the first student to come to the front of the classroom and say one nice thing about every one of her classmates. That beautiful spirit, that kindness, is an inspiration to everyone Jesse meets today.  I'm lucky to call Jesse a friend and to have her as a living, breathing example of the best Dale Carnegie has to offer.

This week I also spent time with the Gifts at their annual family camp in Minnesota. I was brought to tears by one man, Bryan Odeen, who shared a song he had written for his baby daughter called "Lessons for My Daughter."  The chorus struck a chord (literally!) in me:
"Learn to live wisely, learn to live kindly.
Learn to live loving the God who molded you.
Learn to be patient, learn to be gracious
And I will try to learn, too."

It was the last line that "hit home" the most... "And I will try to learn, too."  That's what these past 30 weeks have been to me.  I'm more confident than ever that our world is one big classroom and that life is one big lesson. Thanks for learning with me!

Alan and me celebrating with two kind souls who found each other - congrats Jesse & Mosa!

#30: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

Well, it finally happened. 

Tyler, my almost three-year-old, took a shining to Barney.  Since Tyler has been obsessed with the color purple for over a year now, it's amazing he lasted this long.  And so, life now consists of some cheesy children singing songs as well as big, colorful dinosaurs imparting life lessons.  And you know what came to mind for me?  Principle 30, of course!

The Barney video we have features songs about going to the doctor, exercising in the park, eating fruits & veggies, and cleaning up the house.  And Barney and his friends make all these mundane activities seem so vibrant and fun!  Tyler even voluntarily started picking up our living room as he watched the clean-up song the other day!  What?!  That's when I realized that Barney has Principle 30 mastered... he makes Tyler happy to do the things he suggests!

As I thought more about this principle, I realized that it doesn't just apply to Barney and my toddler (thank goodness).  Principle 30 is also at the heart of my profession, human resources.  Recruiting and retention are all about trying to keep people happy at your organization so they will be productive, passionate team members.  For example, we are in the process of creating our annual recruiting presentation to take on campuses this fall.  Steph, my boss, and I have always prided ourselves on keeping our presentations as interactive and fun as possible but this year we are taking it even one step further.  Rather than using the Power Point that business students are accustomed to, we plan to host a "Family Feud" style presentation.  The goal?  Keep them engaged and get them excited to give Lutz & Company another look!

I'll admit that I will be ok if Tyler's Barney phase is short-lived.  I hope the enthusiasm for cleaning up sticks around though... and I hope I can truly learn something from that big purple dinosaur.  After all, he's apparently taking lessons from Dale Carnegie, too.

#29: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct

Have I told you that Dale Carnegie's principles have stood the test of time?  He first started teaching his classes in New York City a century ago in 1912.  Still, the "wordsmith" in me feels the need to "tweak" the wording of one of his principles every now and then based on my experiment.  Here's the edited version for this week: "#29: Use encouragement."  PERIOD.  It's as simple as that.

As the mother of a two-year old, I find that encouragement (both giving and receiving!) is needed all the time whether mistakes are involved or not.  My son is an extremely independent little boy and wants to do everything on his own.  This personality trait was heightened this week since Tyler was under the weather.  He still wanted to do everything on his own but he had less patience and energy than normal to do so.  This meant that mama had to dial up the encouragement!  For example, Tyler became extremely frustrated when trying to plug the vacuum into a childproof outlet.  I explained to him that this outlet wasn't like other outlets, offered to help him, and watched his little body become energized just as the vacuum roared to life.

Luckily, I think encouragement may be contagious.  Being the hormonal pregnant woman that I am, I was on the receiving end of some encouragement from Tyler this week also.  At one point, I was sitting on the couch and having a good cry over nothing.  Tyler crawled up on the couch, gave me a big hug, and patted my back.  Of course, he also said, "All done, Mommy" so I may have a few more encouragement lessons to teach...

Young or old, tired or energized - we all need encouragement.  Let's remember this fact as we go on our ways this week.