Don't Try to Saw Sawdust (and a temporary good-bye)

One of my Dale Carnegie mentors checked in with me this week.  In my response to him, I mentioned how I've been worrying about Tyler's transition to being a big brother.  Then it hit me... this "how to stop worrying and start living" stuff will always be a work in progress for me!  It's not really about stopping worry - it's more about managing it.  Or, at least, it is for me.  And this week is yet another principle that could serve me well.

We've heard all the cliches: don't cry over spilt milk, what's done is done, c'est la vie... Dale Carnegie says, "Let the past bury its dead. Don't try to saw sawdust."  This is tough for me because I am the classic over-analyzer.  I think about a decision long after it has been made.  "Maybe I should have done this" or "Maybe I should have done that."  Life is too short!  As Eleanor Roosevelt said,

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.

And speaking of gifts, it is time for me to take a break from this blog as I anticipate the arrival of Baby Gift in the coming days.  Please know that I will be practicing these stress and worry principles more than ever in the next few months - I just won't be formally documenting them here.  It is time for me to practice what I preach (or, in my case, teach).  One of the principles yet to come is "Rest before you get tired."  That is what I intend to do by taking a break from writing.  This blog is a source of joy for me and I want to keep it that way!  I will be focusing on my expanded family for awhile now and I plan to return to you more committed than ever.  So stay tuned, my friends!

For now, this is the Gift List signing off...

Put a "Stop-Loss" Order On Your Worries

May I start by saying that I'm really good at giving something more anxiety than it deserves. That's a definite talent of mine!  Dale Carnegie said, "Put a 'stop-loss' order on your worries. Decide just how much anxiety a thing may be worth - and refuse to give it anymore." I often find myself looking back on a situation and realizing that very little of what I worried about actually happened.  What a waste of energy that I could have used elsewhere! This phenomenon especially happens in the parenting side of my life...

Elizabeth Stone once said, "Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."  Tyler recently transitioned from the toddler room to the preschool room at his school.  I lost some sleep in the days leading up to this transition.  Tyler would be leaving behind familiar friends and teachers.  There would be new classmates, new teachers and a new schedule for Tyler.  How would he handle it?  Would he cry when we dropped him off?  Would he be exhausted when we picked him up?  Etc., etc.

One month later and it turns out that Tyler was absolutely fine; 99% of my worries were unfounded.  This experience reinforced a couple valuable lessons. 1) Children are more resilient than we give them credit for and 2) this mama worries too much!

As I prepare to enter Round 2 of parenthood (all while continuing Round 1), I plan to work on putting a stop-loss on my worries.  If successful, I know following this principle will help me enjoy parenthood - and therefore life - a little more.

Cooperate with the Inevitable

This week at work held a jam-packed schedule of "office visits."  In other words, we had several college students visiting our firm for second interviews.  Before the students can enjoy their visits, one big scheduling puzzle has to happen behind the scenes.  My co-worker and I spent hours personalizing each person's schedule and accomodating their individual requests.  Then, we had at least three people change their minds regarding what would work best for their schedules and we had another two "back out" due to accepting offers elsewhere.  Cooperate with the inevitable, Marisa.  You certainly cannot control the minds and behaviors of twenty-two year olds!

On the homefront, Friday morning brought Week 6 of Tyler's tumbling class at the Y. Week after week, I have taken Tyler to this class where he does not participate until the last minute and seems to enjoy himself very little.  When we arrived at the tumbling room this week, Tyler bolted out the door and down the steps of the Y.  Marisa, cooperate with the inevitable.  Tyler doesn't seem to like tumbling class - why do you care?  You know what?  I don't care!  I asked Tyler if he would like to leave and he said "yes."  So we headed to story time at the library instead and had a great time listening to stories and coloring pictures.

Dale Carnegie quotes Mother Goose:
For every ailment under the sun,
There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it;
If there be none, never mind it.

Take a deep breath.  We can't control everything... and that's ok.  That's life!

A Law That Will Outlaw Many of Your Worries

I have been blessed to travel many places in my life.  From family vacations across the country while growing up to studying abroad in Italy during grad school, I have stepped on a plane numerous times. Flying never caused me anxiety until three years ago... when I became a mom.  I experience anxiety now when I fly - I think because there is so much more at stake.

This past December I flew to Boston for a Dale Carnegie certification training.  While there, I read a newspaper headline about the fatality rate for flying in 2011.  I learned that one person in 7.1 million passengers died last year as a result of flying.  One in 7.1 million.  Those are pretty good odds for staying alive and kickin'!

Now whenever I board a plane and the anxiety starts to set in, I remember that statistic.  It's a lifesaver for my sanity!  As Dale Carnegie said, "You and I could probably eliminate nine-tenths of our worries right now if we would cease our fretting long enough to discover whether, by the law of averages, there was any real justification for our worries."

The next time you find yourself worrying, stop for a moment and really think about your odds.  Ask yourself, "What are the chances, according to the law of averages, that this event I am worrying about will ever occur?"  Hopefully you can take a deep breath and enjoy where the journey takes you that day!

Don't Let the Beetles Get You Down

Dale Carnegie shares the story of Robert Moore who looked death straight in the face when serving on a submarine during World War II.  While being attacked for 15 hours, Moore's life flashed before his eyes and he remembered all the trivial worries he experienced over the years. As Moore said, "We often face the major disasters of life bravely - and then let the trifles, the 'pains in the neck,' get us down."  If we were to use a modern-day cliche to summarize this week's principle it would definitely be "Don't sweat the small stuff."

I was blessed to marry into a family that seems to have mastered this principle.  The Gifts (all of them!) are living, breathing examples of this lesson.  Case in point: we celebrated Tyler's 3rd birthday this weekend and my mother-in-law, Marilyn, made Tyler another beautiful cake.  The cake met all of Tyler's specifications:  a train, steam, the letter "T" and the number "3."  Unfortunately, the cake was not a fan of the car trip from Des Moines.  The "beetles" of many bumps in the road got it down a little.  Marilyn, although disappointed, went right to work when she arrived at our house!  With a little bit of water and a lot of patience, she resurrected Tyler's cake to its original glory!  She didn't miss a beat and Tyler's grin says it all!

I've learned a lot from the Gifts these past five years and I know I will learn many lessons to come.  Let us all find those people in our lives who help us be better versions of ourselves.  In my case, the Gift family reminds me of Dale Carnegie's words, "Let's not allow ourselves to be upset by small things we should despise and forget.  Remember 'Life is too short to be little.'"  Instead, be a Gift!  :)

How to Crowd Worry Out of Your Mind

This week's principle doesn't qualify as "earth shattering."  It's common sense really -- but common sense that I practice far too little!  It's as simple this... stay busy to keep your worries away.   To quote Dale Carnegie, "it is utterly impossible for any human mind, no matter how brilliant, to think of more than one thing at any given time." Crowd worry out of your mind!

September is my busiest month at Lutz & Company because we are in the thick of on-campus recruiting season.  At the beginning of the week, I reviewed 125 resumes along with helping to conduct a new hire orientation and preparing for another orientation next week.  Then, I hopped on a plane for a conference in Dallas on Wednesday-Friday.  Needless to say, there wasn't much time to worry about the "before baby" to-do list or Alan's tenure process or anything else this week!

A quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson recently caught my attention: "Life consists in what a man is thinking of all day."  So true! I want my life to consist of productive work and spirited play -- not stress and worries.  How about you?  Together, let's keep busy this week and crowd the worry out of our minds!

"How to Eliminate Fifty Percent of Your Business Worries"

Dale Carnegie offers us yet another process for squelching our worries this week.  This one reminds me of my husband, the scientist, for some reason.  Could it be because Alan is the king of questions?!  Ultimately though, it was my mom who helped me "see the light" regarding this week's principle:
1. What is the problem?
2. What is the cause of the problem?
3. What are all possible solutions of the problem?
4. What solution do you suggest?

The best example I have of using this process happened a couple weeks ago.  The problem and cause of the problem were simple... I was feeling completely overwhelmed by our to-do list that we need to finish before Baby arrives in mid-November (e.g., get Tyler settled into his new room, put the nursery back in place, finish our basement bedroom, etc).  As I had a meltdown (yes, even Dale Carnegie trainers have meltdowns from time to time, especially the hormonal ones!) on the phone with my mom one Saturday, she said something that struck me. "Marisa, why do you need to finish that bedroom before the baby arrives?  You can move the bed into the space, put some rugs down, and it will be absolutely fine."

My mom's comment triggered me to have a conversation with Alan about the possible solutions to the problem of being overwhelmed:
1. We could try to line up time for Alan and his family to finish the basement bedroom in the next few months (keep in mind that Alan was already back in classes, his dad was approaching harvest season, etc).
2. We could hire someone to finish the basement bedroom (a.k.a., moolah).
3. We could hold off on finishing the bedroom until next summer and just make it as nice as possible for the moment.

We opted for #3 and it is the best decision we've made in awile!  We bought a carpet remnant, moved all the furniture in, and even put a picture or two on the walls.  Granted, the room is still two-toned and the ceiling beams are exposed but it will certainly serve our guests well as we welcome the baby.

And the decision preserved my sanity... and therefore, Alan's sanity, too.

Thanks, Mom, for the suggestion!  Dale Carnegie would be proud!

How to Analyze and Solve Worry Problems

This week I found myself creating a trusty ol' pro-con list to weigh a decision facing our family.  I've always been a fan of these lists when difficult choices come my way and I have a feeling people have been using this method of analyzing their worries for a long, long time.  In fact, this week's worry principle from Dale Carnegie is just another version of the pro-con list in my eyes.  An oldie, but a goodie!
1. Get the facts
2. Analyze the facts
3. Arrive at a decision - and then act on that decision

Alan and I used this method to solve a toddler issue this week, too.  Tyler's bedtime has gotten progressively later over the summer and he has become an expert in stall tactics since moving into his "big boy bed" one month ago.  I finally reached my wit's end on Tuesday night so Alan and I sat down and created a bedtime schedule for Tyler once he was asleep. 
1. We gathered the facts: what needs to be done (bath, snack, teeth brushing, books, prayers, etc) and what is the ideal bedtime for Tyler (8:30)?
2. We analyzed the facts: how long does each of these activities take and how much "wiggle room" do we need for the inevitable diversions?
3. We arrived at a decision: the schedule is on paper!
4. We acted on that decision: We put the schedule into action the next night!

I am happy to report that Tyler has been in bed by 8:40 (much better than 9:00-9:30) for the past four nights since we initiated the new schedule.  This bedtime routine still isn't perfect but it's a huge improvement - and that's what these principles, and life, are all about!

The Price of Worry

We've all heard the numbers... Half of Americans report lying awake at night due to stress.  An estimated 15 tons of aspirin are consumed every day – that’s nearly a half million of those little bottles EVERY DAY. And workplace stress costs more than $300 billion each year in health care, missed work & stress reduction.

Dale Carnegie says that you must "Remind yourself of the exorbitant price you can pay for worry in terms of your health.  'Those who do not know how to fight worry die young.'"

At 2:30 AM on Wednesday, I was awoken by Tyler, my almost three-year-old son.  He came bounding into our room, awake as can be!  After trying everything to get him to stay in bed, my husband graciously offered to sleep on the floor next to his bed.  As my boys fell back to sleep, I began to worry. Thoughts floated through my head: "Why did Tyler wake up?  Is his cold getting worse again?  Is he getting that stomach bug that is going around at daycare?  What's wrong?" 
Then, I remembered this week's worry principle and did my best to calm the voices in my head.  Marisa, remember the price of worry.  I soon joined Tyler and Alan in the wonderful world of sleepiness.

To paraphrase someone wise and humorous, "Our worrying obviously works because nine out of ten things that we worry about never happen!"  Join me this week in an endeavor to switch the worry button to the "off" position!  Let's be in the half of Americans that DO sleep!

The goal: let's all sleep soundly like Tyler this week!

A Magic Formula for Solving Worry Situations!

I learned this "magic formula" for solving worry situations when I took my first Dale Carnegie course over a year ago and I decided it was worth a shot right then and there!  One persistent worry that creeps into my mind is the possibility of my husband, Alan, being denied tenure at his university position.  This is an extremely pesky worry because there is nothing I can do to control the outcome of this situation (I'm not Alan and I'm most certainly not an university administrator!).  So here's how I put the magic formula into action:  

1. Ask myself, "What is the worst that can possibly happen if I can't solve my problem?"
  In this case, the worst that could happen is that Alan is denied tenure and loses his job the following year at the University. 

2. Prepare myself mentally to accept the worst--if necessary.
 Deep breath and try to accept. 

3. Then calmly try to improve upon the worst--which I have already mentally agreed to accept.
To improve upon this worst-case scenario, Alan and I had a great discussion about possible alternatives should this happen. We discussed the possibility of him finding a different position in Omaha or even moving to a smaller town to raise our family.

I walked away feeling much calmer because I knew now that this possibility would not be the end of the world.  In fact, the "worst that could happen" didn't seem so bad after all!

One more example from just this past week... I've started to worry about the possibility of having our baby early and, therefore, not completing everything on my to-do list at work and home! (Major problem for a Type A checklist person like myself!).  In this case, having the baby early is my worry so I mentally accepted that this could happen.  What can I do to ease the worry a little?  I documented the duties that will need to happen during my absence and forwarded the link to my boss.  This felt like a weight off my shoulders but hopefully she doesn't need this "magic formula" now!

I think Dale Carnegie called this "magic" because of its simplicity.  This isn't pulling rabbits out of hats or sawing people in half.  This is something we can all do each and every day to calm our lives a little.  Try it for yourself this week and watch (POOF!) the magic that results!

Live in Day-tight Compartments

On Saturday, I was lucky enough to be a part of a fantastic Dale Carnegie "refresher" training.  Our fearless leader, Ercell Charles, gave us all a better understanding of what these principles can mean to our lives.  As my fellow trainer, Laurie, said, "principles are our friends."  They keep us accountable to the values we hold dear.  Ercell also explained that while the "How to Win Friends" principles are for building relationships with others, the "How to Stop Worrying" principles allow us to turn the focus to ourselves.  When we learn to manage our stress and worry, we will finally be ready to build the relationships we so desire.  And so, for the next 30 weeks we will stop worrying and start living!

I am the first to admit that "living in day-tight compartments" is not my strong suit. Don't get me wrong, I talk a good talk about the importance of living "one day at a time" but many times my walk doesn't quite keep up. My Type A personality prefers to be planned and prepared.  Lets face it, there's a reason I landed a job with the word "Coordinator" in the title!

On the other hand, I know that this principle could have a significant influence on my life if fully embraced.  And so I try, try again.  One way that I have been attempting to live this principle for the past six months is by keeping a "one sentence happiness journal."  This journal, courtesy of Gretchen Rubin's "Happiness Project," is a daily reminder to find the good in each day.  Every night before I climb into bed, I write a few sentences about a moment that brought me joy during that day.  I don't think about yesterday.  I don't think about tomorrow.  I only focus on today. 

The challenge going forward is carrying that mentality from the moment I wake up until the time I shut out the lights.  As Charles Schulz said, "Life is like an ice-cream cone, you have to lick it one day at a time." 

Looking Back at 30 Principles in 30 Weeks

I would like to reflect on the past 30 weeks before embarking on the next set of 30 principles from "How to Stop Worrying & Start Living" next week.  As I think about the themes that have emerged from my experiment these past seven months, one major trend comes to mind: "Be Nice."  It's as simple as that.  Whether it's offering praise, apologizing quickly, or just smiling -- the principles from "How to Win Friends & Influence People" are all about being nice to one another.

This weekend I enjoyed celebrating my dear friend, Jesse's, wedding to her soulmate, Mosa.  Their beautiful ceremony included childhood stories from their parents. Jesse's mom and dad recounted how her fourth grade teacher asked the students to share something they liked about one of their classmates. In the teacher's 30 years of teaching, Jesse was the first student to come to the front of the classroom and say one nice thing about every one of her classmates. That beautiful spirit, that kindness, is an inspiration to everyone Jesse meets today.  I'm lucky to call Jesse a friend and to have her as a living, breathing example of the best Dale Carnegie has to offer.

This week I also spent time with the Gifts at their annual family camp in Minnesota. I was brought to tears by one man, Bryan Odeen, who shared a song he had written for his baby daughter called "Lessons for My Daughter."  The chorus struck a chord (literally!) in me:
"Learn to live wisely, learn to live kindly.
Learn to live loving the God who molded you.
Learn to be patient, learn to be gracious
And I will try to learn, too."

It was the last line that "hit home" the most... "And I will try to learn, too."  That's what these past 30 weeks have been to me.  I'm more confident than ever that our world is one big classroom and that life is one big lesson. Thanks for learning with me!

Alan and me celebrating with two kind souls who found each other - congrats Jesse & Mosa!

#30: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

Well, it finally happened. 

Tyler, my almost three-year-old, took a shining to Barney.  Since Tyler has been obsessed with the color purple for over a year now, it's amazing he lasted this long.  And so, life now consists of some cheesy children singing songs as well as big, colorful dinosaurs imparting life lessons.  And you know what came to mind for me?  Principle 30, of course!

The Barney video we have features songs about going to the doctor, exercising in the park, eating fruits & veggies, and cleaning up the house.  And Barney and his friends make all these mundane activities seem so vibrant and fun!  Tyler even voluntarily started picking up our living room as he watched the clean-up song the other day!  What?!  That's when I realized that Barney has Principle 30 mastered... he makes Tyler happy to do the things he suggests!

As I thought more about this principle, I realized that it doesn't just apply to Barney and my toddler (thank goodness).  Principle 30 is also at the heart of my profession, human resources.  Recruiting and retention are all about trying to keep people happy at your organization so they will be productive, passionate team members.  For example, we are in the process of creating our annual recruiting presentation to take on campuses this fall.  Steph, my boss, and I have always prided ourselves on keeping our presentations as interactive and fun as possible but this year we are taking it even one step further.  Rather than using the Power Point that business students are accustomed to, we plan to host a "Family Feud" style presentation.  The goal?  Keep them engaged and get them excited to give Lutz & Company another look!

I'll admit that I will be ok if Tyler's Barney phase is short-lived.  I hope the enthusiasm for cleaning up sticks around though... and I hope I can truly learn something from that big purple dinosaur.  After all, he's apparently taking lessons from Dale Carnegie, too.

#29: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct

Have I told you that Dale Carnegie's principles have stood the test of time?  He first started teaching his classes in New York City a century ago in 1912.  Still, the "wordsmith" in me feels the need to "tweak" the wording of one of his principles every now and then based on my experiment.  Here's the edited version for this week: "#29: Use encouragement."  PERIOD.  It's as simple as that.

As the mother of a two-year old, I find that encouragement (both giving and receiving!) is needed all the time whether mistakes are involved or not.  My son is an extremely independent little boy and wants to do everything on his own.  This personality trait was heightened this week since Tyler was under the weather.  He still wanted to do everything on his own but he had less patience and energy than normal to do so.  This meant that mama had to dial up the encouragement!  For example, Tyler became extremely frustrated when trying to plug the vacuum into a childproof outlet.  I explained to him that this outlet wasn't like other outlets, offered to help him, and watched his little body become energized just as the vacuum roared to life.

Luckily, I think encouragement may be contagious.  Being the hormonal pregnant woman that I am, I was on the receiving end of some encouragement from Tyler this week also.  At one point, I was sitting on the couch and having a good cry over nothing.  Tyler crawled up on the couch, gave me a big hug, and patted my back.  Of course, he also said, "All done, Mommy" so I may have a few more encouragement lessons to teach...

Young or old, tired or energized - we all need encouragement.  Let's remember this fact as we go on our ways this week.

#28: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to

I was lucky enough to experience both sides of Principle 28 at work this week.  In my opinion, this principle is another simple step that we can take that will often lead to big results.  In fact, it reminds me a lot of Principle 21 - Throw down a challenge!

I led a short training for a group of individuals at our firm this week covering John Miller's QBQ! book.  In a nutshell, QBQ! (Question Behind the Question) is about taking ownership of your life and accepting personal responsibility.  At the end of the training,  I told this group that they each need to report back in two weeks with one example of how they put the QBQ technique into action in their lives.  I told them that I knew they would each make our organization more effective as a result!  Only time will tell the results of giving this group a fine reputation to live up to...

I know this principle definitely kicked me into high gear this week when a partner, knowingly or unknowingly, used it on me.  We are in the beginning stages of developing a soft skills training initiative for our firm.  When getting the green light from one of our firm leaders, he said "I have all the confidence in the world in Marisa and I expect to see something on my desk by August 1st."  Now he was kidding about the timeline but he was serious about the sentiment.  I could feel it.  And it made me want to run right back to my desk and get to work!

So I speak from definite experience this week... Principle 28 works.  Give someone a "jump start" this week by giving them a fine reputation to live up to!

#27: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise

I was on vacation this week and spent the majority of my time at my grandparents' cabin along the banks of the Missouri River in South Dakota.  I had very little cell phone coverage and no e-mail access!  So I suppose you could say that I practiced Principle 27 in an environment more similar to what Dale Carnegie was accustomed to in 1936 when he published the book.

Principle 27 is yet another principle focusing on praise and my two-year-old son, Tyler, was the main subject of my experiment this week.  Tyler thrives on praise and he is refreshingly honest about this fact.  For example, he asks that his "baby monkey" (stuffed animal) or "lovey" (small security blanket) watch him perform certain activities such as using the potty or playing with his toy tractor.  Even more, he asks them to clap at his accomplishments!  In fact, at supper just tonight Tyler exclaimed "Yay Tyler!!" and started clapping when he managed to spear a piece of penne pasta on to a fork. Of course, Alan and I followed suit and quickly joined in the applause!

Tyler's behavior this week has left me thinking... somewhere along the line it becomes socially unacceptable for us to ask for praise (or to praise ourselves, for that matter).  Chances are though that the majority of adults crave praise just as much as Tyler does.

So make someone's day this week and offer them a healthy dose of praise.  Give them the "kudos" they are silently desiring!

Tyler driving the boat for the first time as his great grandpa supervised - praise galore followed!

26: Let the other person save face

My parents visited on Friday afternoon and made us a fresh container of sun tea.  In the middle of my first glass, I told my mom how refreshing it tasted on such a hot day.  When I stepped inside for a minute, I found giant puddles of liquid covering our kitchen floor and I thought for sure our refrigerator had finally run its last leg.  But when I opened the fridge door, I saw that the entire container of sun tea was empty. The handle had somehow flipped into the "on" position - resulting in sun tea in every nook and cranny of the fridge as well as puddling up on the floor.  Ugh!  My mom and dad quickly started helping me sop up the damage with rags.  And my dad even commented on how those containers just aren't made well.  In other words, they both let me save face.  No operator error here - this was obviously the container's fault!

At work this week, my colleague, Katie, and I proactively worked to let our coworkers save face as well.  We helped to coordinate a panel of partners to share their thoughts on networking.  We asked the 50 attendees to come prepared with questions or send them to us in advance.  We received a whopping one person's questions beforehand (thanks to that individual - you know who you are!).  We were greeted with a lot of silence throughout the session when we asked if people had any questions.  Luckily, Katie and I had prepared a list of questions in advance to spark conversation.  As a result, the panelists had plenty to talk about and the attendees were on the receiving end of some helpful information.

When searching for an image to accompany this week's principle, I came across this sign about kindness.  I think it sums up all of Dale Carnegie's principles in addition to #26.  My prayers are with many people right now who are fighting some immense battles in their lives.  So the next time an entire container of sun tea lands on your floor, remember that someone is fighting a much harder battle at that exact moment.  This week let's let the other person save face.  Or put more simply, let's just remember to be kind to each other.

25: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

My husband, Alan, and I are attempting to be the masters of Principle 25 when it comes to parenting our two-year old son, Tyler.  One of the core tenets of the parenting class we took (Love & Logic) is to offer choices to children.  As a result, we spend our days asking Tyler questions: "Tyler, do you want to play one more minute before bath time or two more minutes?"  "Tyler, do you want a banana or grapes?" For the most part, Tyler is receptive to these choices.  And since he likes to do EVERYTHING on his own (God has blessed us with Mr. Independent), I know he would rather be asked a question than barked an order.

So I went into this week knowing that I had this questions thing down... for toddlers.  The unknown was how it would work with adults.  I discovered throughout the week that this principle comes more naturally to me than others (definitely more naturally than last week's principle!).  I've never been a fan of conflict or confrontation so I rarely give "direct orders."  As I observed my interactions with colleagues over the week, I found that I am more likely to go the questioning route.  For example, my boss was leaving on vacation so I knew we needed to finish a big project before he left. Instead of telling him this pointblank, I asked him a few questions: "How can I help with the budget this week?"  "I'm guessing David will want the budget before the end of the month, do you agree?"  In the end, the budget is done!  Along with submitting it on time, I know my boss will appreciate not having to think about it when he is away, too.

Maybe you're not a fan of conflict like me or maybe you've got a little bit of  drill sergeant in you.  Most likely, you fall somewhere in between.  No matter what your natural disposition, remember that questions can be your friend whether you're dealing with toddlers or bosses.  So fire away (with questions!) this week!

24: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person

I've realized something after looking back on this week's endeavor: Principle 24 is not my strong suit!  I have no personal examples of success - or failure - to share with you.  And, no, I did not sit back and wait until today to think about this week's principle.  Rather, I gave Principle 24 plenty of thought throughout the week and I decided that it goes against my grain a little bit.  You see I'm a perfectionist. I'm Type-A.  Whatever you want to call it, mistakes are bad enough.  Talking about them (and therefore, admitting them to others) is pretty much torture!

Luckily, there's hope for me yet because I have some great leadership role models in my life.  My father is Exhibit A.  My dad visited us this week and he started to help Tyler with his pancakes at breakfast.  Little did my dad know, that Tyler prefers NOT to be helped with his pancakes now.  When my dad poured syrup on Tyler's pancake, my two-year old began to all-out bawl.

You know what my dad did?  He didn't crumble.  He didn't lose his temper either.  Instead, he started to talk about his mistake.  He explained to Tyler that he hasn't visited in awhile and doesn't realize everything that Tyler is capable of now.  I would be lying to say that this completely diffused my toddler but the situation definitely didn't escalate.  And most of us know that this lack of escalation is a sign of success when it comes to two year olds!

So I press on with my journey, knowing full well that each week may not bring a success story.  What I do know is that each week brings an attempt to be better.  As Gandhi said, "Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."  Here's to all the learning that is yet to come on this adventure!

Papa and Tyler

#23: Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly

My husband, Alan, and I had a real "date night" this weekend to celebrate our 5th anniversary.   Alan is a huge supporter of my blog project so we discussed Principle 23 as we walked along the river.  Our conversation made Principle 23 crystal clear to me!  A few months ago, I told you all that we were taking part in a "Love & Logic" parenting class.  One of the most interesting lessons we learned during that time involved how to conduct "quiet time" (similar to a time-out) with our toddler, Tyler.  The Love & Logic instructors emphasized that we should not explain to Tyler why he was in "quiet time" or what he did wrong.  This, they assured us, would be insulting to our two-year old.  He knows what he did wrong the minute a time-out happens!

WOW! If a two-year old knows what he did wrong, then certainly adults do too.  If we are insulting a two-year old's intelligence by pointing out his mistakes, then what must we be doing to adults when we call attention to their errors?

I recently had an experience where one of the professionals in our firm needed credit hours quickly before the deadline approached.  Although he had known about this deadline for two years, we were still scrambling to see if he had any other hours that we could report.  The teacher and mother in me wanted to lecture this individual.  "Why did you wait to the last minute?"  Instead, I just helped.  I evaluated his coursework, completed the paperwork necessary to submit some additional hours, and breathed a sigh of relief when we received an e-mail confirming that everything was in order.  I also received an e-mail from the individual with these simple words: "You rock!  Thank you."

I would take Principle 23 one step further.  Sometimes we don't even need to call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.  We just need to help in whatever way we can.  What will we do to help each other this week?

#22: Begin with praise and honest appreciation

Has anyone else noticed that one of the most common themes in these principles is "praise?"  I started my week at an end-of-school-year celebration for our two-year-old son, Tyler.  Tyler and his little classmates dressed up in t-shirts featuring their photo and walked out on stage waving homemade paper streamers.  Each child's name was announced including a nickname their teachers had created for them (e.g, Tyler "The Perfectionist" Gift).  The gym was full of adults who laughed and clapped with excitement.  Praise galore for these toddlers!

I've noticed something since I became familiar with Dale Carnegie's principles.  Our society is really good at praising children.  I'm Exhibit A.  Any video featuring Tyler that I narrate consists of my super sappy voice saying, "Good job, Tyler!  Way to go!"  From taking his first steps to singing a song to dancing his heart out... I'm right there cheering him on!  And of course, Tyler and I surprised Alan with cupcakes and a few brightly-wrapped packages for his birthday this week.  We even sang our favorite adult a rousing edition of "Happy Birthday."  What about every other day?

This week I had the opportunity to see someone in action who is a shining example of Principle 22.  I was one of my church's representatives to the Nebraska Synod gathering where the main items on the agenda were honoring our retiring bishop and electing our next synod leader.  Bishop David deFreese has been leading the Nebraska Synod for 12 years and it was obvious that he appreciates EVERYONE.  And not just a simple "thank you" or greeting-card-on-your-birthday kind of appreciation.  Each gesture of appreciation was tailored to that individual and completely heartfelt.  Bishop deFreese's gratitude warmed each person in that room.

Dale Carnegie said that Principle 22 is the first principle in the set of leadership principles and Bishop deFreese shows that he was right.  A great leader is one who lifts up those around him day after day. Who will we lift up this week?

Praise and appreciation for Tyler!!

#21: Throw down a challenge

I must start by saying that my husband, Alan, is the king of Principle 21.  He is constantly throwing down the challenge to Tyler, our two-year old son.  It usually involves some sort of competition.  "Tyler, I'll race you to the potty!" Or "Tyler, I bet I can eat a bigger bite of this orange than you." And the list goes on.  I wish you all could see the results in person.  It usually consists of a two-year old blur running across our house.  The proof is in the pudding, my friends!

Recently, I decided to put this principle to work (literally).  I have a great group of colleagues who help me plan our firm's audit training calendar each year.  This spring we decided that the best way to choose necessary topics was to go straight to the source and ask people what they wanted/needed.  The only problem was when we've asked for input in the past the results have been slim to none.  I added a simple line to the end of my e-mail message this time: "We are challenging you to send us ideas and we look forward to seeing the results!"

The results were a half dozen substantive, extremely helpful responses.  Quite the improvement from zero!  And now we have a full audit training calendar to show for it.

So whether it's with your children or your coworkers, throw down the challenge.  And watch the results come running in!

#20: Dramatize your ideas

As someone who is self-proclaimed "cheesy," Principle #20 was pretty much made for people like me.  Anyone who knows me will attest to this fact!  What you might not know is that Principle 20 is also made for you!

We live in a world of drama now.  Look no further than the evening news.  For example, we no longer have Channel 3 News in Omaha - we have "ACTION 3 News!"  Sometimes it's enough to make me turn off the TV.  I think our world shows us that there's a time and place for Principle 20.  Let me share a couple successful uses that I've witnessed lately.

A few weeks ago, the firm where I work had its annual karaoke concert.  Every new employee at the firm is required to sing a song that has been chosen by their colleagues.  Most people (me included) just try to survive.  This year was a little different thanks to a couple employees who took Principle 20 to the extreme.  They completely dramatized their songs from re-writing the lyrics to suit them perfectly to hiring a soprano sax player to belt out the interlude.  It was AMAZING - and people are talking about their performances to this day.  There was no just getting by for these two -- they dramatized their ideas and won over their audience as a result!

On a personal note, I was giving Tyler, my two-year old son, underdogs in his swing this weekend.  He said he wanted "a big one."  I stretched my arms as wide as they can go and replied, "Do you want a GIANT one, Tyler?"  Tyler's face lit up and he kept repeating "GIANT" with his arms stretched wide.  Just living proof that this dramatization stuff works!  Tyler added a new word to his vocabulary and he obviously believed what I was proclaiming with all his heart!

I would be lying to say that I don't use Principle 20 every day. It's part of being a cheeseball... and a mom. But this week reminded me that Principle 20, used in moderation, can work wonders on many audiences. Have you added a little drama to your life lately?

A GIANT Underdog!

#19: Appeal to nobler motives.

Sometimes I think you can definitely tell by the wording of these principles that "How to Win Friends and Influence People" was written by Dale Carnegie in 1936!  When I hear "Appeal to nobler motives," I imagine a cowboy with a tall, white hat walking into the saloon... Of course, the white hat tells you that he's the good guy!

When listening to participants' group discussions in our Dale Carnegie session this week, I was reminded of how often people struggle with motivating others.  This week, we were talking about managing stress and several people mentioned the need to motivate others as a source of stress in their lives.  Luckily, they are about to start testing out principles such as #19.  I remember a  Kum & Go (convenience store) manager from a few classes ago sharing his story of how appealing to the nobler motives of his staff worked wonders.  They went from not doing their jobs to doing them quickly and spotlessly all because he took the time to say, "I know you're a hard worker and I know you'll do a good job."  Most people aspire to be seen as good at what they do - so these employees rose to the challenge (this is also a preview of Principle #21 in two weeks - "Throw down a challenge!").

In my own life, my husband and I use Principle 19 with our two-year old son, Tyler, on a daily basis.  "You're a big boy, right Tyler? So let's see you use the potty, let's see if you can eat this big bite of growing food, let's see if you can wash your hands by yourself..."  I can't say we've had the same success record as my Kum & Go friend but Principle #19 works enough for us to keep trying it toddler-style. After all, Tyler aspires to be a "big boy!"

How about you?  Have you appealed to someone's nobler motives lately?  Go ahead - give someone a white hat to wear and just watch how they surprise you.

#18: Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.

For the first thirty years of my life, "sympathy" was a word that I mostly associated with condolence cards.  That is, until I "met" Dale Carnegie.  I now know that sympathy is something we should offer to people on a daily basis - not just in the most dire of circumstances.  This week I saw two distinct instances of sympathy in my world:

• The first form of sympathy is one that I tried to offer at work this week.  On Thursday, our firm completed its upward evaluation process in which employees have the opportunity to evaluate management.  In those instances where I had constructive feedback for people, I made sure to follow its name and make the suggestions "constructive."  I put myself in the other's shoes.  For example, I know that I appreciate examples when someone offers me feedback so I made sure to include specific instances to help the evaluatees understand my thoughts.  I tried to be sympathetic to their ideas - what would best allow them the opportunity to use my feedback?
• The second form of sympathy I saw this week was by observing others.  I had the opportunity to attend the Berkshire Hathaway annual meeting with my dad.  In other words, I enjoyed the friendly banter of Warren and Charlie for a few hours on Saturday!  My dad told me as we walked in that this meeting is often called the "Woodstock" of shareholder meetings.  I was amazed at how candid these richer-than-rich men were with the people in the room.  They answered question after question from everyday people such as myself.  And they do this every year.  I see no better way to be "sympathetic" to others' ideas and desires than to know firsthand what those ideas and desires are for people.  Bravo, Warren Buffet.  You are a true Dale Carnegie graduate (and for the record, Warren did mention his Dale Carnegie certificate in the annual video this year.)!

When was the last time we were truly sympathetic toward someone in a way that didn't involve Hallmark?  Sympathy is more than just an emotion for greeting cards. It's something we should take to heart every day.

The Dale Carnegie certificate that hangs on the wall in Warren Buffet's office!

#17: Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.

I had the joy of spending three days back on Drake University's campus this week.  Those of you who know me well (and even not-so-well) are aware that one of my greatest passions in life is my alma mater.  As I celebrated my 10-year reunion at Drake, I reflected back on everything the University has done for me.

When I think of Principle 17, I think of my Drake experience.  I came to Drake as a young woman who had lived her entire life in small town Iowa (for the record, an upbringing I loved!).  When I stepped foot on campus, I left behind a world of familiarity and comfort and I entered a world much bigger than I knew existed.  I took classes covering Judaism and Islam, as well as the rhetoric of presidential politics and race.  My eyes were opened.  Although I didn't agree with everything I saw and heard (that's what makes the world go round), I did learn to see things from another's point of view.  This is a trait that has served me well over the past decade.  Exhibit A: I am one of the few non-accountants working in an accounting firm.  My brain works a little differently than most of my colleagues but I have come to respect and admire the way they think even if it "throws me for a loop" sometimes.

When I was on campus this weekend, I was reminded of one person who lives this principle to the fullest: a role model to many including myself, Dr. Don "Bulldog" Adams.  I had my first real conversation with Dr. Adams a few years ago.  I remember telling my husband afterwards that Dr. Adams has the unique ability to make you feel like you are the only person in the room when he is talking to you.  Yet, I have hard person after person list Dr. Adams as the most influential person in their lives so it's obvious he makes everyone feel that way.  What a gift!

We've all heard the expression that we should "walk a mile in their shoes" but it's often easier said than done.  I owe a lot to Drake for teaching me how to strive for Principle 17 (which was, by the way, Dale Carnegie's favorite principle).  My passion for Drake was renewed this weekend.  Even more so, my passion for the lessons I learned while on campus were renewed.  Tolerance.  Open-mindedness.  Dialogue.  Perspective.  Sometimes I wonder if Dale Carnegie was a Drake Bulldog! 

#16: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

I will start this week with a confession.  There was little room for experimentation at work this week.  The first two days of the week were the final days of tax season at an accounting firm.  The final three days of the work week were the mass exodus of all my colleagues taking much-deserved vacations after tax season!

Still, I have been giving Principle #16 a lot of thought this week.  Specifically, I've been considering its value when preparing to kick-off another Dale Carnegie course next week.  "Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers."  I think this principle is extremely important in life but especially so in teaching situations.  People believe what they create.

Two examples of this idea in the training/teaching world come to mind.  First, I think one of the most effective training techniques I have seen starts with a good ol' flip chart (that's right, pen to the paper, folks!!).  The facilitator simply asks participants what they hope to get out of the session and then records their answers.  The key is that this flip chart exercise is not forgotten.  Rather, the trainer refers to it throughout the course and especially when wrapping up at the end.  In this way, participants have created what the course will bring to them and feel a sense of satisfaction when they see the results match up with their wishes.

On the opposite end of the training spectrum, Principle #16 makes me think of the (over)use of Power Point in training and teaching these days.  Don't get me wrong, there can be value in Power Point.  However, I think the value is often overshadowed by the danger because Power Point has the ability to stifle creativity.  It allows trainers/teachers to decide the course of a session before any participant even steps foot in the room.  There is little "wiggle room" when Power Point is involved.  There is no way that people will feel the ideas are theirs if they were pasted on the wall from the get-go.

As I walk into our first Dale Carnegie session on Tuesday night, I plan to keep Principle 16 in mind.  What would Dale do?  If people feel they have a hand in shaping the course, they are much more likely to enjoy both the end result and the journey they took to get there.

#15: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

Does anyone else notice a pattern in these principles so far?  We've heard "become genuinely interested in other people," "be a good listener," "talk in terms of the other person's interests" and now..."let the other person do a great deal of the talking."  Is it just or me or does Dale Carnegie have something against people like myself?  You know, the person with multiple degrees in communication and a background in teaching and advising?!  Sometimes I feel like this experiment is a broken record stuck on a song with a chorus of "be quiet."

Then again, those are words I usually need to hear.  And hear again.  And again.

I mention my two-year old son, Tyler, in most of my posts.  I try not to focus entirely on him but this week is an exception.  I noticed something about my interactions with Tyler this week -- my other relationships in life could benefit from a little bit of my "Mommy side."  You see, Tyler is at the age where his talking light switch has been turned to the "on" position.  He often rattles off stories and requests at a mile a minute (Hmmm... wonder where he gets that trait from?).  It's often impossible to understand Tyler and that can be really frustrating for him.  So here's what I have been doing lately:

• I kneel down right in front of Tyler's face and look into his eyes
• I ask him to repeat his thought more clearly and slowly
• Once I understand, I repeat his statement so he knows I get it
• I give Tyler a high five -- communication accomplished!

This week I have been wondering: why don't I use a toned-down version of this technique with more people in my life?  I need to stop what I'm doing and focus completely on the other person.  I need to show them that I understand where they are coming from and I need to appreciate them when it's all said and done!

We could all learn a lot from a two year old.  I know I do.  And I know even Dale Carnegie would, too.

Tyler: my biggest lesson in how to live these principles

#14: Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.

We are now well into the group of principles that Dale Carnegie associated with "gaining cooperation" (#10-#21).  This week I experienced both the highs and lows of Principle #14.  On the down side, I participated in seven hours of webinar training this week for a new system we are implementing at the office.  Bright and early on Monday morning, the fun began with a four-hour session online!  The training was tough at times because the trainer chose to cover every single feature of the system whether we plan to use it or not.  In other words, we were not saying, "Yes, yes" and frustration, rather than cooperation, often resulted.

This experience early in the week solidified Carnegie's recommendation for me and I took it to heart.  When I approached a partner at our firm this week about the benefits of the Dale Carnegie course I participated in last week, I focused on what would most interest him ("Yes, yes!").  I realized that he would be interested in how to answer tough questions since he often faces these with clients and colleagues.  So I focused on the "Responding to Pressure Situations" portion of the training.  I also know that this partner has a desire to feel more comfortable speaking in front of others.  As a result, I focused on the easy-to-use presentation formats the class taught, as well as the individualized coaching.  The result?  The partner thought this course sounded, "AWESOME!"

As with all of these principles, #14 isn't 100% foolproof. Life with Tyler, my two-year old, is a good example of this fact.  I often try asking lots of questions that I know will receive an enthusiastic "yes" before I pose a tougher question (aka: a harder sell).  Tyler's answer to the tough question is almost always still an emphatic "NO!" 

There will always be "no's."  That's life.  But wouldn't it be great if we heard "yes" more often?  The answer starts with us!

 

#13: Begin in a friendly way.

My two-year old son, Tyler, is a poster child for Principle 13.  He says a big, friendly "HI!" to everyone who walks by our house lately (he even shouts his greeting through the kitchen window if he isn't outside at the time). 

I like to think that Tyler's friendliness is something he gets from his "Midwest friendly" parents.  This week's principle would normally come pretty easily for me but as fate would have it... life is rarely easy!  You see, I had the pleasure of being a participant in Dale Carnegie's High Impact Presentations course on Thursday and Friday this week. 

We gave our first presentation on Thursday morning and we were told to "give it our best."  The person I saw in the review room (all our presentations were taped) was just like my fellow participants described.  She was super "smiley" and "happy."  She was definitely beginning in a friendly way!  In fact, she was a little too friendly to be entirely persuasive and convincing as a presenter.

So the twist of fate?  I spent the next two days working on being more "stern." At one point, I actually channeled Colonel Jessup in A Few Good Men: "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"  By the seventh presentation I gave, I saw a woman who was not only friendly but also more professional and credible.  I think she is someone people will still find likeable yet respect even more.

It's important to be friendly but in life there's a time for pure friendliness and a time to dial up the professionalism.  Don't worry friends, I plan to continue to be friendly.  After all, that's me and I have a little boy who needs a role model!  Going forward, the challenge for me will be striking the right balance in situations where my credibility is on the line.  What about you?  Have you checked your "balance" lately?



"Hi man!"