25: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

My husband, Alan, and I are attempting to be the masters of Principle 25 when it comes to parenting our two-year old son, Tyler.  One of the core tenets of the parenting class we took (Love & Logic) is to offer choices to children.  As a result, we spend our days asking Tyler questions: "Tyler, do you want to play one more minute before bath time or two more minutes?"  "Tyler, do you want a banana or grapes?" For the most part, Tyler is receptive to these choices.  And since he likes to do EVERYTHING on his own (God has blessed us with Mr. Independent), I know he would rather be asked a question than barked an order.

So I went into this week knowing that I had this questions thing down... for toddlers.  The unknown was how it would work with adults.  I discovered throughout the week that this principle comes more naturally to me than others (definitely more naturally than last week's principle!).  I've never been a fan of conflict or confrontation so I rarely give "direct orders."  As I observed my interactions with colleagues over the week, I found that I am more likely to go the questioning route.  For example, my boss was leaving on vacation so I knew we needed to finish a big project before he left. Instead of telling him this pointblank, I asked him a few questions: "How can I help with the budget this week?"  "I'm guessing David will want the budget before the end of the month, do you agree?"  In the end, the budget is done!  Along with submitting it on time, I know my boss will appreciate not having to think about it when he is away, too.

Maybe you're not a fan of conflict like me or maybe you've got a little bit of  drill sergeant in you.  Most likely, you fall somewhere in between.  No matter what your natural disposition, remember that questions can be your friend whether you're dealing with toddlers or bosses.  So fire away (with questions!) this week!

24: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person

I've realized something after looking back on this week's endeavor: Principle 24 is not my strong suit!  I have no personal examples of success - or failure - to share with you.  And, no, I did not sit back and wait until today to think about this week's principle.  Rather, I gave Principle 24 plenty of thought throughout the week and I decided that it goes against my grain a little bit.  You see I'm a perfectionist. I'm Type-A.  Whatever you want to call it, mistakes are bad enough.  Talking about them (and therefore, admitting them to others) is pretty much torture!

Luckily, there's hope for me yet because I have some great leadership role models in my life.  My father is Exhibit A.  My dad visited us this week and he started to help Tyler with his pancakes at breakfast.  Little did my dad know, that Tyler prefers NOT to be helped with his pancakes now.  When my dad poured syrup on Tyler's pancake, my two-year old began to all-out bawl.

You know what my dad did?  He didn't crumble.  He didn't lose his temper either.  Instead, he started to talk about his mistake.  He explained to Tyler that he hasn't visited in awhile and doesn't realize everything that Tyler is capable of now.  I would be lying to say that this completely diffused my toddler but the situation definitely didn't escalate.  And most of us know that this lack of escalation is a sign of success when it comes to two year olds!

So I press on with my journey, knowing full well that each week may not bring a success story.  What I do know is that each week brings an attempt to be better.  As Gandhi said, "Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."  Here's to all the learning that is yet to come on this adventure!

Papa and Tyler

#23: Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly

My husband, Alan, and I had a real "date night" this weekend to celebrate our 5th anniversary.   Alan is a huge supporter of my blog project so we discussed Principle 23 as we walked along the river.  Our conversation made Principle 23 crystal clear to me!  A few months ago, I told you all that we were taking part in a "Love & Logic" parenting class.  One of the most interesting lessons we learned during that time involved how to conduct "quiet time" (similar to a time-out) with our toddler, Tyler.  The Love & Logic instructors emphasized that we should not explain to Tyler why he was in "quiet time" or what he did wrong.  This, they assured us, would be insulting to our two-year old.  He knows what he did wrong the minute a time-out happens!

WOW! If a two-year old knows what he did wrong, then certainly adults do too.  If we are insulting a two-year old's intelligence by pointing out his mistakes, then what must we be doing to adults when we call attention to their errors?

I recently had an experience where one of the professionals in our firm needed credit hours quickly before the deadline approached.  Although he had known about this deadline for two years, we were still scrambling to see if he had any other hours that we could report.  The teacher and mother in me wanted to lecture this individual.  "Why did you wait to the last minute?"  Instead, I just helped.  I evaluated his coursework, completed the paperwork necessary to submit some additional hours, and breathed a sigh of relief when we received an e-mail confirming that everything was in order.  I also received an e-mail from the individual with these simple words: "You rock!  Thank you."

I would take Principle 23 one step further.  Sometimes we don't even need to call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.  We just need to help in whatever way we can.  What will we do to help each other this week?

#22: Begin with praise and honest appreciation

Has anyone else noticed that one of the most common themes in these principles is "praise?"  I started my week at an end-of-school-year celebration for our two-year-old son, Tyler.  Tyler and his little classmates dressed up in t-shirts featuring their photo and walked out on stage waving homemade paper streamers.  Each child's name was announced including a nickname their teachers had created for them (e.g, Tyler "The Perfectionist" Gift).  The gym was full of adults who laughed and clapped with excitement.  Praise galore for these toddlers!

I've noticed something since I became familiar with Dale Carnegie's principles.  Our society is really good at praising children.  I'm Exhibit A.  Any video featuring Tyler that I narrate consists of my super sappy voice saying, "Good job, Tyler!  Way to go!"  From taking his first steps to singing a song to dancing his heart out... I'm right there cheering him on!  And of course, Tyler and I surprised Alan with cupcakes and a few brightly-wrapped packages for his birthday this week.  We even sang our favorite adult a rousing edition of "Happy Birthday."  What about every other day?

This week I had the opportunity to see someone in action who is a shining example of Principle 22.  I was one of my church's representatives to the Nebraska Synod gathering where the main items on the agenda were honoring our retiring bishop and electing our next synod leader.  Bishop David deFreese has been leading the Nebraska Synod for 12 years and it was obvious that he appreciates EVERYONE.  And not just a simple "thank you" or greeting-card-on-your-birthday kind of appreciation.  Each gesture of appreciation was tailored to that individual and completely heartfelt.  Bishop deFreese's gratitude warmed each person in that room.

Dale Carnegie said that Principle 22 is the first principle in the set of leadership principles and Bishop deFreese shows that he was right.  A great leader is one who lifts up those around him day after day. Who will we lift up this week?

Praise and appreciation for Tyler!!