#23: Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly

My husband, Alan, and I had a real "date night" this weekend to celebrate our 5th anniversary.   Alan is a huge supporter of my blog project so we discussed Principle 23 as we walked along the river.  Our conversation made Principle 23 crystal clear to me!  A few months ago, I told you all that we were taking part in a "Love & Logic" parenting class.  One of the most interesting lessons we learned during that time involved how to conduct "quiet time" (similar to a time-out) with our toddler, Tyler.  The Love & Logic instructors emphasized that we should not explain to Tyler why he was in "quiet time" or what he did wrong.  This, they assured us, would be insulting to our two-year old.  He knows what he did wrong the minute a time-out happens!

WOW! If a two-year old knows what he did wrong, then certainly adults do too.  If we are insulting a two-year old's intelligence by pointing out his mistakes, then what must we be doing to adults when we call attention to their errors?

I recently had an experience where one of the professionals in our firm needed credit hours quickly before the deadline approached.  Although he had known about this deadline for two years, we were still scrambling to see if he had any other hours that we could report.  The teacher and mother in me wanted to lecture this individual.  "Why did you wait to the last minute?"  Instead, I just helped.  I evaluated his coursework, completed the paperwork necessary to submit some additional hours, and breathed a sigh of relief when we received an e-mail confirming that everything was in order.  I also received an e-mail from the individual with these simple words: "You rock!  Thank you."

I would take Principle 23 one step further.  Sometimes we don't even need to call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.  We just need to help in whatever way we can.  What will we do to help each other this week?

#10: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

I learned something this week.  The one thing more exhausting than arguing with a two-year old is trying not to argue with a two-year old!  My principle of the week aligned perfectly with my life.  You see, Alan and I started our five-week "Parenting with Love and Logic" class on Monday night.  The first lesson?  How to handle whining and arguing.  A core technique in Love & Logic parenting is to offer your child choices whenever possible.  In my case, "Tyler, do you want to go potty upstairs or downstairs?  Do you want to sit down or stand up?"  The choices help avoid arguments ("I don't want to go potty - CHANGE DIAPER!") because a child feels like they are in control.  They have a sense of power.  I would be lying to say this choice technique works all the time.  It was hit or miss but, then again, my test subject was a two-year old.  I would also be lying to say that this is easy.  It's exhausting!  Formulating choice after choice takes a lot of brain power.  In the end, I'm hoping it will be worth it because I am teaching my son to feel empowered and capable while also avoiding some unnecessary arguments.

Of course, I don't want to avoid arguments only with my two-year old.  I also want to "keep the peace" in other areas of my life.  For example, I walked into the office on Monday fully expecting to be hit with a barrage of arguments.  I'm a Drake Bulldog in an office full of Creighton Bluejays.  After Creighton's Missouri Valley Conference title win last weekend, I was expecting the worst.  Yet I knew that Principle #10 was the name of the game this week ("The  only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it, Marisa.  The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it, Marisa...").  So I decided beforehand that I would be gracious and complimentary.  When someone approached me about the game, I would tell them "congratulations" and "it's good news for Omaha."  The result?  Not one person approached me!  Maybe the "forces that be" protect  a person that takes the time to prepare a non-argumentative strategy.  More likely, my co-workers left me alone because it's the thick of tax season and they have no time for such frivoulous things!

Regardless, I learned something.  When possible, it's helpful to prepare for an "argument" by thinking through how you can respond in a non-argumentive manner (aka: how you can avoid the argument altogether).  In Dale Carnegie, we call this process "how to disagree agreeably."  I have found that when I respond in an agreeable way it keeps relationships intact while also giving me more confidence and clarity.  And who wouldn't like a little more confidence and clarity in life?!