#7: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

We've all heard the statistics: humans talk at a rate of 125-175 words per minute but think at a rate of 1,000-3,000 words per minute.  YIKES!  It appears that the cards are stacked against our listening abilities and I'm living proof of this fact.

Exhibit A:  I married my husband, Alan, nearly five years ago. We stood together in front of all our wedding guests and Alan led a toast to thank them for being a part of our big day.  At one point, Alan paused while searching for the word to complete his thought. I jumped in and finished his sentence right then and there.  Our guests found this funny because our best man had just completed his toast with a theme of how Alan and I "complete one another's gaps."  No gaps for you, Alan - Marisa to the rescue!

This week's experiment made me remember that story because I realized just how much improvement I could make in the listening arena.  I have a tendency to finish people's sentences.  I do it all the time.  I could chalk it up to my multiple degrees in communication (yes, I like to talk) but I think, more than likely, it's often just impatience on my part.  Or, at least, it may come across as impatience to those on the receiving end of my sentence completions!

This week, I enjoyed lunch with three of my co-workers who also have young children.  We always have fun sharing "war stories" about our kiddos.  This week, I tried to lay low a little bit and listen more than I talked.  At one point, I actually caught myself trying to think of a Tyler story to share that would "fit" the direction of the conversation.  Once again, I was thinking when I should have been listening.

When our lunch was all said and done and I had kept my mouth shut, I learned a valuable lesson.  When I listen, I learn.  I learned practical ideas for projects to keep my two-year old busy.  I also learned that I am not alone in my frustrations surrounding potty training and daycare germs!

People have valuable stories to tell if we just let them take the lead in conversation.  Join me in an endeavor to listen more and, in turn, I'm confident that we'll learn more, too.

#6: Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

If you're wondering if a name is important, just ask any parents about the experience of naming their child.  It's such an important decision.  Our names are one thing that stay with us for our entire life.  Our bodies age, our minds sharpen and fade, our personalities evolve... but our names stick around.  They often define who we are and where we came from.

As someone who has a fairly unique name, I have witnessed at least a half dozen spellings and pronunciations of my first name over the years.  It takes a special someone to spell and pronounce my name correctly.  And, trust me, I remember those people that do it right.  A Dale Carnegie participant once said it best in class, "When we remember a person's name, we assign value to that person."

With that in mind, this week I set out to greet every coworker by name.  There was no "hello" or "good morning."  It was "Hello Katie" and "Good morning Pete."    And you know what I realized?  By something as simple as adding someone's name to a greeting, you change a completely generic phrase to a completely personal greeting.  A one word addition.  It's that simple.

On Friday night, I had the pleasure of going to dinner with my friend, Emily, and her family.  Early on, our waiter asked if we had any questions.  Emily's mom responded, "I just have one question: what's your name?"  We learned that our waiter's name was Dan and that his 2nd grade teacher still remembers the amount of pens he stole and hid in his desk. Once we learned Dan's name, he was the friendliest, most helpful waiter I've had in a long time.  This was one of those restaurants where the wait staff sings and does silly dances like the macarena.  When it was time for the music, Dan was always right next to our table, belting his soul out.  Thanks to Dan's enthusiasum, Emery (Emily's 18-month old son) sat through an entire dinner with a big smile on his face!

Moral of the story: let's ask people their names and then remember them.  If we show others we value them, that value will come back to us.

#5: Smile

"Smile."  It's Dale Carnegie's shortest principle but I'm not going to lie... it wasn't the easiest.  Circumstances were not ideal for my experiment this week.  At some point during the week, Alan, Tyler, and I all suffered from colds and Tyler and I also battled stomach bugs. Still, the show must go on so here are this week's highlights:

• I think Tyler has been secretly reading How to Win Friends and Influence People. I was greeted by a little boy standing up with his hands in the air and a 1000-watt grin on his face when I walked into his room on Monday morning. Ok, Mom, it's time to smile!
• I practiced this smile thing on myself a lot this week.  When I woke up, I smiled right away.  When Tyler was in the full swing of naughtiness by 9 AM, I smiled.  For the record, this smiling had no magical power over Tyler's behavior.  He remained just as naughty.  I, however, did feel a little better.
• Alan, my husband, was the true example of Principle #5 this week.  As I laid sick in bed for two days, Alan singlehandedly took care of a little boy whose new favorite hobby is to unroll toilet paper rolls from one end of the house to the other.  And Alan kept up on shoveling nearly a foot of snow to boot!  But that's not all... he did it all with a smile on his face.  Truly.  Thanks for the inspiration, Alan!

Phyllis Diller once said, "A smile is a curve that sets everything straight."  This week proves that smiling does not set everything straight.  The stomach bugs and terrible twos remained.  But smiling did make life - even at its not-so-finest - seem a little more bearable.  So try it for yourself this week and just smile.



Snowy smiles: Alan, Tyler, and the giant snowman!



#4: Become genuinely interested in other people.

One of the best parts of this experiment is how it has opened my eyes to others who live the Dale Carnegie principles whether intentionally or not.  This week I was lucky enough to interact with two people who are living, breathing examples of Principle #4.  They are genuinely interested in others.

On Monday morning, we had a new employee start at our firm named Elizabeth.  I took a deep breath and got ready to lead the fourth new employee orientation tour of the month.  I expected the tour to be the same old litany of names and basic questions.  I was  wrong!!  Elizabeth took an interest in each person she met at our firm.  She asked questions such as, “As a partner, what sacrifices have you had to make?” On her first day Elizabeth asked questions that I have never thought to ask my colleagues in the four years I’ve worked at the firm.  She was interested in each person and it showed.

This weekend I had the great pleasure to return to Drake’s campus and speak to students at the Don Adams Leadership Institute.  Before my session, Don Adams and I had the chance to chat for five minutes.  He wanted my “story” since leaving Drake and proceeded to ask me question after question about my experiences.  Dr. Adams is one of those people who has the unique ability to make you feel like you are the only person in the world when he is talking to you.  I know he is connected to everyone on Drake’s campus but I felt like his one and only friend for those five minutes.

While at Drake this weekend, I was asked this question: “When you think of Drake, what person comes to mind?”  Most of you know that I bleed Bulldog blue so I couldn’t narrow the list to just one.  Instead, I mentioned my amazing relationship with Dr. Bill Lewis, my advisor , professor and friend.  I also mentioned Shawna Kasner-Hannam, the person who brought me to Drake and who remains an inspiration to this day.  These are two people who have taken a consistent interest in me over the years.  A genuine interest, if you will.  My life – my story – has been dramatically influenced by their interest in me.

Who are the people in your life who have taken an interest in you?  Where would you be without them?  Together... let’s pay it forward!  Who will benefit from our genuine interest this week?

#3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Towards the middle of this week, I told a friend that Principle #3 was kicking my butt!  Nobody said this was going to be easy, right?  I am working on a proposal right now at work that would bring more “soft skills” training to our accounting firm.  As is normal in the business world, we are working within a monetary budget and time constraints.  With Principle #3 in mind, I decided that a good starting point would be to review employees’ evaluations to see how soft skills could help address challenge areas in their performance.  If Dale Carnegie is right, showing how soft skills training can directly help these employees’ performance will go a long way in achieving “buy in” from firm leaders. 

Only time will tell if this project has successful results but I did have proof this week that Principle #3 can work magic.  My friends, Dmitriy and Cameron, do marketing for the Dale Carnegie franchise in Boston.  They recently posted a video on their blog that showcases several of these principles.  This isn’t a stuffy video with a professor espousing “the principles” – instead, the main character is a bear!  Tyler, my two-year old, cannot get enough of this video. Tyler watched it at least a dozen times on Wednesday and exclaimed “BEAR” almost immediately after waking up on Thursday morning.  He’s hooked!  I’m guessing Ty could care less about Dale Carnegie’s principles at this point but a bear… now that’s something he wants to see!

BEAR!

So my slow-moving work project made me realize that these principles aren’t always going to work over night (unlike Tyler’s bear fetish!).   And that’s okay. I’m quickly learning that Dale Carnegie was right once again… these principles aren’t about getting my way all the time.  They’re about building better relationships… and they will work.  Just look at Tyler.  A few days ago, Dale Carnegie was just a guy who took Mommy away on business trips.  Now Tyler is Dale’s #1 fan!  If these principles work for two year olds, they might just work for you and me.

p.s. In case you are interested, Tyler wanted me to pass along the bear video, too: http://dalecarnegieboston.com/  Bonus: you will get a sneak peek at weeks 5, 10, 13 and 20!





#2: Give honest, sincere appreciation.

This principle is more my style!  I am, after all, the girl who applied for a Hallmark writing job right out of college.  The fact that I didn’t get accepted is a moot point, right?  What matters is that I believe in the power of appreciation: birthday cards, anniversary cards, Valentine’s, thank-you notes, and more.  This week I did more of what I love – tell people that I value them.  I sent a note to our church pianist after he played the most amazing version of “Rise Up Shepherd and Follow.”  I sent a note to a former colleague who I think of often despite the distance and time that separates us.  I sent an e-mail to my parents after they filled Tyler’s weekend with fun and joy.  I sent a message to a coworker just to say how much I value her willingness to help day in and day out.  And Alan and I both gave Tyler plenty of M&M’s when he used the potty this week (candy is a 2 year’s old most loved form of appreciation!).

That was the easy (and fun!) stuff.  Then, there was a situation with a vendor at work that has left me near my wit’s end.  When all I wanted to do was yell at the person on the other end of the line, I refrained.  In my calmest voice, I explained my frustration and said, “I want you to know that I am a very dissatisfied customer right now.” However, I didn’t end with those words.  I added one more statement before hanging up and I said it sincerely, “I appreciate your efforts.”  Because I do.  I know it isn’t her personal policy that’s frustrating me or her personal error in the software that’s slowing me down.  She’s doing the best she can and that deserves to be recognized.

So sometimes it was easy and sometimes it was tougher but do you want to know the best part?  I was lucky enough to be on the receiving end of some appreciation this week, too.  I received a note from a close friend that absolutely touched my heart when I needed it most.  And that’s when I realized how valuable appreciation is to people. I hope I made someone feel even a fraction as loved this week as my friend made me feel.

So in true Dale Carnegie fashion, I’m throwing down the challenge to all of you (we’ll learn about this principle in Week 21!).  Appreciate someone this week.  They won’t forget it… and you won’t regret it.

p.s. Thanks to all of you for reading… I appreciate it!

#1: Don't criticize, condemn or complain.

Alright, folks, there's a reason Dale Carnegie made this the first principle.  He knew this principle would take the longest to master when someone attempts an experiment like mine!  Good thing I have 51 more weeks!  I found my first real challenge just a couple hours into the first day when Tyler was feeding himself tomato soup for lunch. 

Two year old + Tomato soup = One messy face, kitchen, and even mama!!

I took a deep breath and got through it.  I even laughed and snapped a picture of the aftermath.  In fact, I noticed something at those times this week that I was able to live this principle - life seemed a little easier.  A little lighter.  I could get used to that feeling, that's for sure.

I noticed something else, too.  Although this principle is an extremely important one to follow (I think Dale Carnegie actually listed it first because he knew it would be impossible to follow any of the other principles if we don't stop with the negativity first), I do have one addendum.  Sometimes we all need a friend who will allow us to "take a break" from even the most important principles.  I was blessed to spend Friday afternoon with a dear friend: we laughed, we cried, and we supported one another.  And, yes, we did a little complaining, too.

As with all these principles, we have to make them work for us so we can truly live them.  Otherwise, we will give up too easily, too soon.  And that's definitely not the success that Dale Carnegie would wish for us.