A Magic Formula for Solving Worry Situations!

I learned this "magic formula" for solving worry situations when I took my first Dale Carnegie course over a year ago and I decided it was worth a shot right then and there!  One persistent worry that creeps into my mind is the possibility of my husband, Alan, being denied tenure at his university position.  This is an extremely pesky worry because there is nothing I can do to control the outcome of this situation (I'm not Alan and I'm most certainly not an university administrator!).  So here's how I put the magic formula into action:  

1. Ask myself, "What is the worst that can possibly happen if I can't solve my problem?"
  In this case, the worst that could happen is that Alan is denied tenure and loses his job the following year at the University. 

2. Prepare myself mentally to accept the worst--if necessary.
 Deep breath and try to accept. 

3. Then calmly try to improve upon the worst--which I have already mentally agreed to accept.
To improve upon this worst-case scenario, Alan and I had a great discussion about possible alternatives should this happen. We discussed the possibility of him finding a different position in Omaha or even moving to a smaller town to raise our family.

I walked away feeling much calmer because I knew now that this possibility would not be the end of the world.  In fact, the "worst that could happen" didn't seem so bad after all!

One more example from just this past week... I've started to worry about the possibility of having our baby early and, therefore, not completing everything on my to-do list at work and home! (Major problem for a Type A checklist person like myself!).  In this case, having the baby early is my worry so I mentally accepted that this could happen.  What can I do to ease the worry a little?  I documented the duties that will need to happen during my absence and forwarded the link to my boss.  This felt like a weight off my shoulders but hopefully she doesn't need this "magic formula" now!

I think Dale Carnegie called this "magic" because of its simplicity.  This isn't pulling rabbits out of hats or sawing people in half.  This is something we can all do each and every day to calm our lives a little.  Try it for yourself this week and watch (POOF!) the magic that results!

Live in Day-tight Compartments

On Saturday, I was lucky enough to be a part of a fantastic Dale Carnegie "refresher" training.  Our fearless leader, Ercell Charles, gave us all a better understanding of what these principles can mean to our lives.  As my fellow trainer, Laurie, said, "principles are our friends."  They keep us accountable to the values we hold dear.  Ercell also explained that while the "How to Win Friends" principles are for building relationships with others, the "How to Stop Worrying" principles allow us to turn the focus to ourselves.  When we learn to manage our stress and worry, we will finally be ready to build the relationships we so desire.  And so, for the next 30 weeks we will stop worrying and start living!

I am the first to admit that "living in day-tight compartments" is not my strong suit. Don't get me wrong, I talk a good talk about the importance of living "one day at a time" but many times my walk doesn't quite keep up. My Type A personality prefers to be planned and prepared.  Lets face it, there's a reason I landed a job with the word "Coordinator" in the title!

On the other hand, I know that this principle could have a significant influence on my life if fully embraced.  And so I try, try again.  One way that I have been attempting to live this principle for the past six months is by keeping a "one sentence happiness journal."  This journal, courtesy of Gretchen Rubin's "Happiness Project," is a daily reminder to find the good in each day.  Every night before I climb into bed, I write a few sentences about a moment that brought me joy during that day.  I don't think about yesterday.  I don't think about tomorrow.  I only focus on today. 

The challenge going forward is carrying that mentality from the moment I wake up until the time I shut out the lights.  As Charles Schulz said, "Life is like an ice-cream cone, you have to lick it one day at a time." 

Looking Back at 30 Principles in 30 Weeks

I would like to reflect on the past 30 weeks before embarking on the next set of 30 principles from "How to Stop Worrying & Start Living" next week.  As I think about the themes that have emerged from my experiment these past seven months, one major trend comes to mind: "Be Nice."  It's as simple as that.  Whether it's offering praise, apologizing quickly, or just smiling -- the principles from "How to Win Friends & Influence People" are all about being nice to one another.

This weekend I enjoyed celebrating my dear friend, Jesse's, wedding to her soulmate, Mosa.  Their beautiful ceremony included childhood stories from their parents. Jesse's mom and dad recounted how her fourth grade teacher asked the students to share something they liked about one of their classmates. In the teacher's 30 years of teaching, Jesse was the first student to come to the front of the classroom and say one nice thing about every one of her classmates. That beautiful spirit, that kindness, is an inspiration to everyone Jesse meets today.  I'm lucky to call Jesse a friend and to have her as a living, breathing example of the best Dale Carnegie has to offer.

This week I also spent time with the Gifts at their annual family camp in Minnesota. I was brought to tears by one man, Bryan Odeen, who shared a song he had written for his baby daughter called "Lessons for My Daughter."  The chorus struck a chord (literally!) in me:
"Learn to live wisely, learn to live kindly.
Learn to live loving the God who molded you.
Learn to be patient, learn to be gracious
And I will try to learn, too."

It was the last line that "hit home" the most... "And I will try to learn, too."  That's what these past 30 weeks have been to me.  I'm more confident than ever that our world is one big classroom and that life is one big lesson. Thanks for learning with me!

Alan and me celebrating with two kind souls who found each other - congrats Jesse & Mosa!

#30: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

Well, it finally happened. 

Tyler, my almost three-year-old, took a shining to Barney.  Since Tyler has been obsessed with the color purple for over a year now, it's amazing he lasted this long.  And so, life now consists of some cheesy children singing songs as well as big, colorful dinosaurs imparting life lessons.  And you know what came to mind for me?  Principle 30, of course!

The Barney video we have features songs about going to the doctor, exercising in the park, eating fruits & veggies, and cleaning up the house.  And Barney and his friends make all these mundane activities seem so vibrant and fun!  Tyler even voluntarily started picking up our living room as he watched the clean-up song the other day!  What?!  That's when I realized that Barney has Principle 30 mastered... he makes Tyler happy to do the things he suggests!

As I thought more about this principle, I realized that it doesn't just apply to Barney and my toddler (thank goodness).  Principle 30 is also at the heart of my profession, human resources.  Recruiting and retention are all about trying to keep people happy at your organization so they will be productive, passionate team members.  For example, we are in the process of creating our annual recruiting presentation to take on campuses this fall.  Steph, my boss, and I have always prided ourselves on keeping our presentations as interactive and fun as possible but this year we are taking it even one step further.  Rather than using the Power Point that business students are accustomed to, we plan to host a "Family Feud" style presentation.  The goal?  Keep them engaged and get them excited to give Lutz & Company another look!

I'll admit that I will be ok if Tyler's Barney phase is short-lived.  I hope the enthusiasm for cleaning up sticks around though... and I hope I can truly learn something from that big purple dinosaur.  After all, he's apparently taking lessons from Dale Carnegie, too.

#29: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct

Have I told you that Dale Carnegie's principles have stood the test of time?  He first started teaching his classes in New York City a century ago in 1912.  Still, the "wordsmith" in me feels the need to "tweak" the wording of one of his principles every now and then based on my experiment.  Here's the edited version for this week: "#29: Use encouragement."  PERIOD.  It's as simple as that.

As the mother of a two-year old, I find that encouragement (both giving and receiving!) is needed all the time whether mistakes are involved or not.  My son is an extremely independent little boy and wants to do everything on his own.  This personality trait was heightened this week since Tyler was under the weather.  He still wanted to do everything on his own but he had less patience and energy than normal to do so.  This meant that mama had to dial up the encouragement!  For example, Tyler became extremely frustrated when trying to plug the vacuum into a childproof outlet.  I explained to him that this outlet wasn't like other outlets, offered to help him, and watched his little body become energized just as the vacuum roared to life.

Luckily, I think encouragement may be contagious.  Being the hormonal pregnant woman that I am, I was on the receiving end of some encouragement from Tyler this week also.  At one point, I was sitting on the couch and having a good cry over nothing.  Tyler crawled up on the couch, gave me a big hug, and patted my back.  Of course, he also said, "All done, Mommy" so I may have a few more encouragement lessons to teach...

Young or old, tired or energized - we all need encouragement.  Let's remember this fact as we go on our ways this week.

#28: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to

I was lucky enough to experience both sides of Principle 28 at work this week.  In my opinion, this principle is another simple step that we can take that will often lead to big results.  In fact, it reminds me a lot of Principle 21 - Throw down a challenge!

I led a short training for a group of individuals at our firm this week covering John Miller's QBQ! book.  In a nutshell, QBQ! (Question Behind the Question) is about taking ownership of your life and accepting personal responsibility.  At the end of the training,  I told this group that they each need to report back in two weeks with one example of how they put the QBQ technique into action in their lives.  I told them that I knew they would each make our organization more effective as a result!  Only time will tell the results of giving this group a fine reputation to live up to...

I know this principle definitely kicked me into high gear this week when a partner, knowingly or unknowingly, used it on me.  We are in the beginning stages of developing a soft skills training initiative for our firm.  When getting the green light from one of our firm leaders, he said "I have all the confidence in the world in Marisa and I expect to see something on my desk by August 1st."  Now he was kidding about the timeline but he was serious about the sentiment.  I could feel it.  And it made me want to run right back to my desk and get to work!

So I speak from definite experience this week... Principle 28 works.  Give someone a "jump start" this week by giving them a fine reputation to live up to!

#27: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise

I was on vacation this week and spent the majority of my time at my grandparents' cabin along the banks of the Missouri River in South Dakota.  I had very little cell phone coverage and no e-mail access!  So I suppose you could say that I practiced Principle 27 in an environment more similar to what Dale Carnegie was accustomed to in 1936 when he published the book.

Principle 27 is yet another principle focusing on praise and my two-year-old son, Tyler, was the main subject of my experiment this week.  Tyler thrives on praise and he is refreshingly honest about this fact.  For example, he asks that his "baby monkey" (stuffed animal) or "lovey" (small security blanket) watch him perform certain activities such as using the potty or playing with his toy tractor.  Even more, he asks them to clap at his accomplishments!  In fact, at supper just tonight Tyler exclaimed "Yay Tyler!!" and started clapping when he managed to spear a piece of penne pasta on to a fork. Of course, Alan and I followed suit and quickly joined in the applause!

Tyler's behavior this week has left me thinking... somewhere along the line it becomes socially unacceptable for us to ask for praise (or to praise ourselves, for that matter).  Chances are though that the majority of adults crave praise just as much as Tyler does.

So make someone's day this week and offer them a healthy dose of praise.  Give them the "kudos" they are silently desiring!

Tyler driving the boat for the first time as his great grandpa supervised - praise galore followed!