#11: Show respect for the other person's opinion. Never say "you're wrong."

I will start this week by making a confession to all of you. I said these words to my colleague, Katie, on Tuesday morning: "It's hard to be a good person."  Phew.  Amen to that, Marisa.

I said that after I found myself slapping my own wrist two times already that day.  Both slaps were in reference to comments I made about a particular situation at work.  And, no, they weren't respectful.  Lucky for me, the rest of my week (Wednesday-Sunday) consisted of a mini-vacation!  I took Tyler, my two-year old son, to see my parents in northwest Iowa.  There's nothing better for the soul (and an attempt to be a "good person") than time away from reality.  Let that be a lesson for all of us to use those vacation days!

Before I left on Wednesday, I had a conversation with a dear friend of mine.  She shared that she is having an extremely tough time at work right now because she is working for an organization that operates in a culture of fear.  In other words, they attempt to motivate people through fear.  Throughout that conversation, I could hear the exhaustion and sadness in her voice.  This is a person who is truly one of the sweetest, bravest, most optimistic people I know.

My friend's situation reminded me of how blessed I am to work for an organization that operates in a culture of respect and transparency.  I take the straightforward communication and regular praise for granted most days.  My friend's story gave me a wake-up call.  Organizations like Lutz & Company are still the exception, not the norm. I'm one of the lucky ones.

I admire my friend.  She is trying to change the culture of her organization using what she called "baby steps."  It will be a long process but imagine the number of lives she will improve with each stride she makes!  A quote I received in my inbox today seems fitting: Daniel Brooks said, "Character may be manifested in the great moments, but it is made in the small ones."  What are we doing with our small moments?  Are we creating a culture of respect in our professional and personal lives?

#10: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

I learned something this week.  The one thing more exhausting than arguing with a two-year old is trying not to argue with a two-year old!  My principle of the week aligned perfectly with my life.  You see, Alan and I started our five-week "Parenting with Love and Logic" class on Monday night.  The first lesson?  How to handle whining and arguing.  A core technique in Love & Logic parenting is to offer your child choices whenever possible.  In my case, "Tyler, do you want to go potty upstairs or downstairs?  Do you want to sit down or stand up?"  The choices help avoid arguments ("I don't want to go potty - CHANGE DIAPER!") because a child feels like they are in control.  They have a sense of power.  I would be lying to say this choice technique works all the time.  It was hit or miss but, then again, my test subject was a two-year old.  I would also be lying to say that this is easy.  It's exhausting!  Formulating choice after choice takes a lot of brain power.  In the end, I'm hoping it will be worth it because I am teaching my son to feel empowered and capable while also avoiding some unnecessary arguments.

Of course, I don't want to avoid arguments only with my two-year old.  I also want to "keep the peace" in other areas of my life.  For example, I walked into the office on Monday fully expecting to be hit with a barrage of arguments.  I'm a Drake Bulldog in an office full of Creighton Bluejays.  After Creighton's Missouri Valley Conference title win last weekend, I was expecting the worst.  Yet I knew that Principle #10 was the name of the game this week ("The  only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it, Marisa.  The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it, Marisa...").  So I decided beforehand that I would be gracious and complimentary.  When someone approached me about the game, I would tell them "congratulations" and "it's good news for Omaha."  The result?  Not one person approached me!  Maybe the "forces that be" protect  a person that takes the time to prepare a non-argumentative strategy.  More likely, my co-workers left me alone because it's the thick of tax season and they have no time for such frivoulous things!

Regardless, I learned something.  When possible, it's helpful to prepare for an "argument" by thinking through how you can respond in a non-argumentive manner (aka: how you can avoid the argument altogether).  In Dale Carnegie, we call this process "how to disagree agreeably."  I have found that when I respond in an agreeable way it keeps relationships intact while also giving me more confidence and clarity.  And who wouldn't like a little more confidence and clarity in life?!

#9: Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

Wow!  Principle #9 may be my favorite yet.  It ranks right up there with #2 (Give honest, sincere appreciation) because the Hallmark girl in me made another appearance this week!  Some of the highlights of putting Principle #9 into action these past few days:

• Telling one of Tyler's former teachers, Cassie, that he still talks about her.  She smiled from ear to ear at that news and responded, "Really?  That makes me feel good!"
• Hand delivering a green lifesaver to my colleague/friend, Katie.  She had mentioned that green was her favorite lifesaver the week before.  Her response, "It's the little things!"
• Posting a message on Facebook that complimented my dad on raising $6000 for children's cancer research -- and watching over 20 people "like" my dad's efforts.
• Last but not least, throwing a party for my mom this weekend.  She hasn't seen Tyler in two months (a record) since she broke her wrist.  We celebrated their reunion in style: balloons, cake, and all!

I realized something this week.  We have every reason to undertake Principle #9.  It's easy!  In this day and age, it's as simple as writing on people's Facebook walls or shooting them a quick e-mail.  Even better, it's as easy as looking friends and loved ones straight in the eye and telling them - or showing them - they matter.

Make someone feel important this week.  It will do wonders for his/her morale - and just watch what it does for your own.

Tyler showing off the cake he made for Grandma!

#8: Talk in terms of the other person's interests.

This is the second week in a row that I think Dale Carnegie is telling me to keep my mouth shut!  Although Principle #8 is "Talk in terms of the other person's interests," I think Mr. Carnegie is actually telling me to keep listening.  What makes the other person tick?  What are they passionate about?  These answers will lead to great conversation even though I may not do much talking at all.

This week I struck up a conversation with a new coworker, Nicole, in the office.  She is a seasonal employee who is only with our firm for tax season and I heard through the grapevine that she has started her own business.  I asked Nicole about it and her face lit up when explaining the details of her venture.  I found her line of work fascinating, too - it is a niche area that I've never even considered (marketing/PR assistance for churches).  Just like last week, our conversation was proof that when I listen, I learn.

As you know by now, these principles work wonders outside of the office, too.  This week I mustered up enough courage to take Tyler (my two-year old) to Target.  Tyler takes "active" to a new level.  I'm usually lucky if he will stay in a shopping cart for two minutes.  This week was no different.  Before I knew it, Tyler was out of the cart and looking for trouble.  He quickly found a stack of plastic Star Wars cups (12 cups to be exact).  He sat down at the end of an aisle and started lining up the cups in a row.  Then he stacked them all together again.  And so on. Instead of talking, I observed.  I saw an opportunity and I seized it!  I asked Tyler, "do you want to play with the cups in the shopping cart?"  Of course, he did!  He was interested in them! And, lo and behold, a peaceful shopping trip ensued for Tyler and Mommy!  (I also went on to buy those 12 glorious cups -- the best $12 investment I've made in a long time!).

Talk in terms of the other person's interests, yes.  But don't forget to listen and observe, too.  You may just find your life is a little more peaceful as a result.

Tyler and his cups

#7: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

We've all heard the statistics: humans talk at a rate of 125-175 words per minute but think at a rate of 1,000-3,000 words per minute.  YIKES!  It appears that the cards are stacked against our listening abilities and I'm living proof of this fact.

Exhibit A:  I married my husband, Alan, nearly five years ago. We stood together in front of all our wedding guests and Alan led a toast to thank them for being a part of our big day.  At one point, Alan paused while searching for the word to complete his thought. I jumped in and finished his sentence right then and there.  Our guests found this funny because our best man had just completed his toast with a theme of how Alan and I "complete one another's gaps."  No gaps for you, Alan - Marisa to the rescue!

This week's experiment made me remember that story because I realized just how much improvement I could make in the listening arena.  I have a tendency to finish people's sentences.  I do it all the time.  I could chalk it up to my multiple degrees in communication (yes, I like to talk) but I think, more than likely, it's often just impatience on my part.  Or, at least, it may come across as impatience to those on the receiving end of my sentence completions!

This week, I enjoyed lunch with three of my co-workers who also have young children.  We always have fun sharing "war stories" about our kiddos.  This week, I tried to lay low a little bit and listen more than I talked.  At one point, I actually caught myself trying to think of a Tyler story to share that would "fit" the direction of the conversation.  Once again, I was thinking when I should have been listening.

When our lunch was all said and done and I had kept my mouth shut, I learned a valuable lesson.  When I listen, I learn.  I learned practical ideas for projects to keep my two-year old busy.  I also learned that I am not alone in my frustrations surrounding potty training and daycare germs!

People have valuable stories to tell if we just let them take the lead in conversation.  Join me in an endeavor to listen more and, in turn, I'm confident that we'll learn more, too.

#6: Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

If you're wondering if a name is important, just ask any parents about the experience of naming their child.  It's such an important decision.  Our names are one thing that stay with us for our entire life.  Our bodies age, our minds sharpen and fade, our personalities evolve... but our names stick around.  They often define who we are and where we came from.

As someone who has a fairly unique name, I have witnessed at least a half dozen spellings and pronunciations of my first name over the years.  It takes a special someone to spell and pronounce my name correctly.  And, trust me, I remember those people that do it right.  A Dale Carnegie participant once said it best in class, "When we remember a person's name, we assign value to that person."

With that in mind, this week I set out to greet every coworker by name.  There was no "hello" or "good morning."  It was "Hello Katie" and "Good morning Pete."    And you know what I realized?  By something as simple as adding someone's name to a greeting, you change a completely generic phrase to a completely personal greeting.  A one word addition.  It's that simple.

On Friday night, I had the pleasure of going to dinner with my friend, Emily, and her family.  Early on, our waiter asked if we had any questions.  Emily's mom responded, "I just have one question: what's your name?"  We learned that our waiter's name was Dan and that his 2nd grade teacher still remembers the amount of pens he stole and hid in his desk. Once we learned Dan's name, he was the friendliest, most helpful waiter I've had in a long time.  This was one of those restaurants where the wait staff sings and does silly dances like the macarena.  When it was time for the music, Dan was always right next to our table, belting his soul out.  Thanks to Dan's enthusiasum, Emery (Emily's 18-month old son) sat through an entire dinner with a big smile on his face!

Moral of the story: let's ask people their names and then remember them.  If we show others we value them, that value will come back to us.

#5: Smile

"Smile."  It's Dale Carnegie's shortest principle but I'm not going to lie... it wasn't the easiest.  Circumstances were not ideal for my experiment this week.  At some point during the week, Alan, Tyler, and I all suffered from colds and Tyler and I also battled stomach bugs. Still, the show must go on so here are this week's highlights:

• I think Tyler has been secretly reading How to Win Friends and Influence People. I was greeted by a little boy standing up with his hands in the air and a 1000-watt grin on his face when I walked into his room on Monday morning. Ok, Mom, it's time to smile!
• I practiced this smile thing on myself a lot this week.  When I woke up, I smiled right away.  When Tyler was in the full swing of naughtiness by 9 AM, I smiled.  For the record, this smiling had no magical power over Tyler's behavior.  He remained just as naughty.  I, however, did feel a little better.
• Alan, my husband, was the true example of Principle #5 this week.  As I laid sick in bed for two days, Alan singlehandedly took care of a little boy whose new favorite hobby is to unroll toilet paper rolls from one end of the house to the other.  And Alan kept up on shoveling nearly a foot of snow to boot!  But that's not all... he did it all with a smile on his face.  Truly.  Thanks for the inspiration, Alan!

Phyllis Diller once said, "A smile is a curve that sets everything straight."  This week proves that smiling does not set everything straight.  The stomach bugs and terrible twos remained.  But smiling did make life - even at its not-so-finest - seem a little more bearable.  So try it for yourself this week and just smile.



Snowy smiles: Alan, Tyler, and the giant snowman!